Ashtie thought, “Is this the end? It is lucky that he is not forcing it.”
Truthfully, she was sure that he had received information about her and was not oblivious to her situation, so it was surprising for him to ask her about this so directly. Maybe he wants to hear it directly from me. If that was the case, she thought that it was his way of being considerate. Or a strong curiosity.
But she did not want to say anything more.
The king turned his back to her.
Ashtie smiled lightly. A bit of it was self scorn. How much could she tell him? Even things she couldn’t tell Lante about. Dance, her mother, nightmares, and dance again.
She knew that he was accommodating of her, but she had no obligation to tell him. Also, she did not believe that he would completely understand her situation. What’s more, she had no expectation of him to understand how she felt. How it felt to be ostracized for being the daughter of a gypsy, or the reason why she had suddenly collapsed a few moments ago.
That was as far as their relationship could go. And that was her resolute conclusion.
Lu Harve walked to the desk near the window. He looked outside the window. It was calm. The darkness swallowed the entire world in its calm.
“I heard you really enjoy dance.”
His words that he practically whispered to himself echoed throughout the room. It was like a ripple across a still lake. Ashtie was about to answer when he said,
“I will let the chambermaids know…”
He was suppressing a slight smile.
“To create a dance studio for the princess.”
The thoughts that Ashtie had been worrying about just moments ago shattered and disappeared.
A dance studio. She felt herself welling up inside. She wasn’t sure what exactly she was feeling. Her emotions raged strongly. They washed over her. She felt shaken, scattered, broken, and then a sudden blooming hope.
And so, she could not easily open her mouth to respond.
“It will be ready by tomorrow.”
Lu Harve turned around and looked at her again. He was a few steps away, but their eyes met.
“Princess. Could I visit you there from time to time?”
A dance studio.
It would be the center of her place for happiness.
Ashtie laughed without making a sound, and with the utmost respect, she answered him.
“Yes, Your Majesty. It would be my honor. I am ever so grateful.”
He was continuing to smile.
She could not have expressed her gratitude with mere words. Ashtie contemplated about what to do, then cautiously added.
“Your Majesty. May I request a favor from you?”
“You may.”
“I do wish for Your Majesty to speak comfortably to me, without honorifics. Would you be able to do that for me?”
She was definitely of a lower status than the king. However, she was not part of the lower class. The reason he didn’t speak down to her was out of respect for the nobility of another nation. And that person told her that he would give her a dance studio. She had already received so much from him, but in addition to this, there was nothing more she could ever want. And so, Ashtie wanted to express her gratitude in the only way she could think of.
“I will do that.”
Lu Harve accepted her request.
There was no further conversation afterwards. She respectfully bowed and turned to leave the room.
Inside the room, the darkness fell on them heavily. Next to the bed, the lamplight remained.
She suddenly remembered something. It was always faded like that. Ashtie mulled over her thoughts as she sat on the bed. She told the chambermaid who bid her goodnight to come a bit later tomorrow morning. The chambermaid answered that she understood humbly.
The lamplight glowed softly like the light of dawn. Like a child, she sat comfortably on the bed and blankly stared out the window. As if she was the last person left on earth, the night was silent and dark.
Strangely, she felt that the darkness resembled the dawn. Not the blue of dawn, but the pitch blackness just before the sun rose. It felt like that tonight, also. Ashi, I love you with all my heart. In her sleep, she felt she had heard those words. She had never forgotten or been disobedient to her mother. It was all so clear in her mind. She had probably really said those words. No, she was certain that her mother had said those words.
The light of dawn was getting brighter. The pale bluish-white light poured into the room. Her mother spoke to her sleeping daughter. She even heard the curtains being opened. It was early morning, so she may had been slightly awake. Or it may have been due to the fact that the warmth beside her seemed to be getting farther away from her. She had been that sensitive, the child had been that drowsy, and yet she had heard those words. I love you, Ashi.
If she had known that would be the last time…
It would have been nice to have known that would be the last time. If she had known, she would have woken up and embraced her mother tightly, begging her not to go, over and over again. But she had been young, and the pull of sleep had been too strong. She had woken only after the sun had gone down. Then, she heard that her mother had hanged herself.
The lamplight. Dawn. Life was always hazy like that. Truthfully, she still felt that her life was like that now. She realized that this afternoon, also. She had thought that dance was trifling.
Why was she bothering to live? There was no particular reason to die, and she did not want to die, but she couldn’t figure out a reason to live. Thirteen. She was twenty now. No, she would soon be twenty-one. But she was still the same. She had thought her mental illness had been cured, but it must not have been. Now, she was even able to fool herself. Sophisticated casualness? She scorned herself. Only that mask remained. How could she think of dance in this way? All sorts of thoughts and emotions engulfed her. There were no tears, but she felt her heart was already crying. There just weren’t any physical tears. Her heart felt heavy.
Ashtie was unable to sleep all morning. Only until the soft, bluish-white light entered her room did she lie down on her bed.
Time passed too quickly, and the day broke out brightly.
The head chambermaid, Lucia, was a bit worried. The princess did not look well. But as she couldn’t refuse the king’s command, she cautiously relayed the information to the princess.
“Your Majesty. The dance studio is ready. Would you like to visit it?”
Ashtie had no choice but to go to it. In a trance, she followed Lucia. They arrived there quickly.
The door of the room was ivory in color, trimmed with a decorative, gold design. Lucia opened the door. Then, with a bow, she quietly retreated.
Ashtie slowly stepped inside. The dance studio was filled with the soft, light colors of ivory, white, yellow, and jade. In one corner was a pure white piano. The room was not big, but it was carpeted. There had been mirrors in the room at Lotte Bishel, and this room was designed similarly with large mirrors that reflected her body. Her reflection was against four mirrors.
At twenty years old, with the exact same purple hair as her mother, she was wearing a pale ivory dress, tinted in pink.
Ashtie slowly closed her eyes. When she closed her eyes and opened them again, where she was standing looked similar to the place in her past.
Truthfully, she was already there.
In an instant, she was back at Lotte Bishel. The root of her happiness. Her past self, from over ten years ago.
And her mother was there. She was there with her mother.
Like a gem beneath the beautiful sunlight, her mother smiled sweetly as she placed her hands over the piano. The image of her holding her mother’s hand as she moved her feet clumsily. Her brightly smiling self. The child that had thought she had been so lucky to have a mother like her. Ashtie, this is called a piano. Her mother’s lovely hands bounced above the keys like drops of water. Ashtie, yes, you are doing so well. Her mother had said this with the gentlest voice in the world. Ashi, I love you. Her mother sang a song that resembled the spring rain with her delicate voice.
Dance, sunlight, piano, song, laughter, Mother. Perfect…
It had been perfect. The moment she remembered this, tears fell down her face.
But she did not think that she needed to wipe away those tears.
Ashtie was already moving her feet. Her thin arms were stretched out, and her face had on a sad expression. Her dress opened outward, and her hair flew back and forth as she continued to dance. She didn’t think that she had to do it. Her body just decided to dance, as if she had no choice but to do it. It was desperate.
The dance she had memorized at nine years old… The dance her mother had complimented and laughed so brightly at. Cat’s Spring, Summer Rain, Autumn’s Prayer, Winter’s Edge. Ashtie hummed the songs with a tear-filled voice. She danced. Mother. If she could have seen me dance like this, how much more praise would she have given me? She would have kissed me sweetly on the cheek and embraced me warmly. Mother.
Tears and sweat were intermingled, but she didn’t care. The dance quickly reached its climax. With reddened cheeks, Ashtie continued to dance and sing. It only took an instant for her singing to turn to crying.
When she came to her senses, she was crying out loud. A grown lady was crying pitiably like that. But there was no one to soothe her. Ashi, don’t cry. Nobody said that to her. She sobbed harder, returning to the thirteen-year-old who had lost her mother.
Mother. As always, her heart matured the slowest. And so, she herself felt like a child. She still felt small and helpless, but her mother was not there. Then, she thought to herself, “But you still have dance.”
She had already known this. There wasn’t anything that she had realized so fully before. Her mother was no longer with her, but she still had dance. It felt like someone was beating her entire body. Her tears flowed more quickly. Unable to control it, they poured down her face. From the bottom of her heart, her emotions welled up and engulfed her.
Her mother sank down, her mother disappeared from her side, and she too sank like her mother. Her legs grew weak, and she collapsed. Tears streamed down her face. Her tears stained the soft carpet as they fell. It fell, drop-by-drop, like dew holding onto the edges of a leaf. It then began to fall like hard morning rain.
The child cried as she apologized. I’m sorry, Mother. I wasn’t abandoning dance. That wasn’t what I wanted. I’ve never once thought it to be trifling. I do not condemn it. I will not abandon it. I have nothing but dance. Mother…