The Depth of Emotions
The same laughter rung out in front of me. It came from the woman called mother. Come to think of it, there were not many people standing around the table.
“Dad.”
The lady stopped laughing and tilted her head.
“Yes.”
“To stop looking for that woman. I don’t understand.”
“She’s dead anyway.”
“Even if she’s dead, we should find the body.”
I rolled my eyes and gazed at the two. Watching a fight is the most fun, isn’t it? I reached out to have a drink of water when someone placed a glass in my hand.
When I looked around, there was a girl named Sandoria. Her plate was empty. She didn’t touch anything on the table.
“My daughter was raised like a beast cub, and her own daughter, here, as a princess. Whoever I am, whatever the circumstances are. She didn’t care about her relatives, her niece, or anyone else.”
“Sisi.”
When I reached out to rip off the flesh of the bird again, a chair was pushed back. The red-haired lady glanced at me once, before she walked out whilst grabbing her forehead as if she was exhausted. I put down the wings I picked up for no reason.
“Iara.”
Grandpa’s hand, which had briefly covered his eyes, grabbed the wing I left, and handed it to me.
“Eat a lot.”
I shoved the wings I received into my mouth. I couldn’t stop even though I felt full. While my hands continued to busily fly around the table, everyone else around the table acted indifferent pretending to be stuffed. Pick this up, pick that up again, then drink from the soup bowl while trying to guzzle water.
Only my grandfather patiently watched the meal that was frantic, even for me.
“Grandpa.”
The sound of Sandoria’s chair being pushed back rung out as she stood up. The girl’s hands wriggled as she spoke.
“It’s class time soon. May I be excused?”
Grandfather gave a light nod. His eyes regarded Sandoria, then immediately returned to me. She glanced at me as I was sucking my seasoned hand.
“Iara.”
“Yes.”
“You’re going to follow me, too.”
“What?”
Sandoria was about to leave but stopped. I wiped my seasoned lips with my white sleeve.
“Where?”
“To class.”
Chewing the leftover food in my mouth, I peeked at Sandoria. The child turned pale.
“Do I have to do it?”
I hated learning something. I don’t know how much I whined when I learned to cheat. When I learned how to read to a certain extent, I’d gave up after that.
However, my grandfather’s usual kind expression was currently quite cold.
“You have to do it.”
Am I in a position to refuse? I was still a lark sitting on a tip of grass. I felt like I’d be kicked out, being told, it’s not you, but another child. If I think about it, the only similarities we share are our eyes and hair color. If I was to get drunk on happiness, it’d hurt twice as much when I lost it. I was careful not to expect too much.
I followed the child stopping from time to time to catch my breath.
I wanted to eat more.
I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.
* * *
Class hours were fixed. The teacher was very strict, if you are late for the appointed time, you wouldn’t be able to set foot inside the class.
So, I couldn’t change my clothes, since I was dragged there to be seated. My lips were wiped by others, but the problem was the seasoned sleeves.
I wanted to hide in a rat hole again. I hadn’t understood anything since earlier. Dishevelled hair, and lips stuck together.
My first impression couldn’t have been good. Sandoria sat close to the teacher, answering all the questions like a parrot. In fact, what kind of answer could someone who arrived just yesterday give fluently?
Perhaps my ability to remove a money bag without touching someone’s butt?
“Did you say Iara?”
I could tell at a glance that this teacher was a woman with a fierce impression, just by looking at her meticulously combed hair. I figured the time to speak had come.
“Professor.”
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At that time, Sandoria stepped up and blocked the teacher’s path.
“She doesn’t know anything yet.”
Sandoria’s hair, hung loose and wavy, was alluring. It’s so beautiful that I wondered if I too could be that beautiful. I couldn’t believe a young lady could have such thin fingers, perfect tone, flawless skin, or such a slender figure to match a delicate heart. It’s unfair enough to make my stomach churn.
“Sandoria.”
By then, the teacher who I thought would walk past me, sat by Sandoria.
“Is it a good thing for that child to be left unaware of everything? If it’s really for your family, you should let me beat her to teach her.”
I was dumbfounded by those words. From the time I was born I’d never heard of the method of beating to teach someone.
If there was one thing my teacher didn’t really grasp, it was the fact that my head wasn’t very smart. But the teacher pointed out my attitude rather than my head.
I didn’t seem to have any motivation, no greed.
I’ve been an awkward person since I arrived. I was hauled here overnight, and without knowing the reason, I was treated well.
It’s a problem because such a big good luck can cause one to pass out, so I don’t know how to accept it.
What if it collapses after anticipation? What if you love and then hate me?
I didn’t expect or want to love it until it was revealed properly.
In the back alley, things were fair. We all lied together scratching our stomachs and stole this, or stole that, all we had to do was brag about it.
There was no standard for comparison. But whenever I was next to Sandoria I felt so ashamed that I wanted to find a rat hole.
The teacher gave me a considerable amount of homework every day. Of course, when I tried to do it, the result was a mess.
I had no interest in learning history or mathematics, instead what I could recall about class was the uncomfortable atmosphere, how my clothes felt too tight, how the teacher was terrifying, and Sandoria’s eyes which stared at me from the side. The shameful memory kept me at my desk.
I don’t know why. I remembered how Sandoria answered questions without hesitation, as I wrote down delusional answers.
Was it because I envied Sandoria, who monopolized the teacher’s happy face that day?
Or is it because of the jealousy that if I knew the answers, I would have won the teacher’s smile? Either way, it was not due to such beautiful feelings. A sense of inferiority cropped up when I forgot to appreciate what I have.
* * *
The truth came at an unexpected moment. I didn’t want to open my eyes, but I woke up out of habit. It was dawn, the time when grass bugs were crying. I had tossed and turned the entire night before I had to wake up at this early hour.
Maybe it was when I realized my gaze was like that of an animal at mealtime that I became conscious of what I ate all afternoon.
I was so hungry that I couldn’t fall asleep. I tried to call a maid but decided to get up instead. I knocked on the empty stomach and went down the stairs.
I didn’t know where the main kitchen was located. I was about to rummage through the maid’s kitchen, while the lights were shut off.
Perhaps it’s not right to go out confidently through the main gate. By the time I entered the back door frequently used by maids and brought out some bread, a familiar voice filled the hallway.
The road to success was at hand. Just a few more steps and I’d reach the backdoor.
—’Is it because of Sandoria?’ (mother)
At the end of the hallway, there was a brightly lit room. If it weren’t for the mother’s voice, or if it wasn’t for hearing the girl’s name, I would have passed. I wouldn’t have eavesdropped like a mouse.
I held my breath and stuck close to the wall. The voice flowing out was quiet, but the pronunciation was clear. I could understand everything.
—‘If the reason father is protecting that thief is because of Sandoria, then that’s not right either.’ (Mother)
(T/N: In this case the thief being referred to here is Sandoria’s bio mom. Sisi is saying it’s not right to protect a thief just because she happens to be Sandoria’s mother.)
—‘Sisi.’ (Grandfather)
—‘She kidnapped my daughter. Then raised my daughter to be her back-alley bitch and gave Sandoria everything my daughter was supposed to learn.’ (Mother)
My ears captured the mother’s sharp voice. I covered my mouth to stop from gasping. I sat down carefully and reflected on my mother’s words.
—’Because it’s my uncle’s woman? That’s why you are covering her up?’ (Mother)
(T/N: In this instance 아주버님 uncle means Sisi’s husband’s older brother.)
—’I’m saying that there’s nothing good about taking this job. Sisi.’ (Grandfather)
—’There’s no point in finding her body, why create troubles from useless work?’ (Grandfather)
There were times when others were only vague about Sandoria, even if they introduced me to every little thing. But she wasn’t my sister or even a half-sister.
What is my relationship with that child, what the hell are we if not sisters, and why is it that, at times when my mother’s gaze is directed at Sandoria it seems as messy as my homework that I carry.
I knew nothing about this castle, and my ignorance only fuelled my imagination. The conclusion I came to after many days was that I might have been brought here to be used in place of Sandoria.
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“Ah.”
Looking back unintentionally, I managed to swallow a scream that was about to pop out. I got up with shaky legs. The shadow behind me took a step back.
Sandoria’s sleepy face was crying. Looking at the water glass in her hand, I guess she came down because she was thirsty. Sandoria’s face seemed to say she heard everything.
****