Chapter 11
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It was a change she didn’t want from him.
Iandrus was changing, but the word ‘change’ already spelled disaster for Diana. It was because Iandrus had ‘changed’ ever since that incident. Because he grew to hate Diana and Philadelphia, never once giving Scintilla the time of day.
There were even several unknown women coming and going from his bedroom, and he did everything Diana hated most. Almost like he wanted her to see it.
All those terrible days flashed quickly in Diana’s mind.
“It’s fine, Iandrus,” Diana said, each word coming out from between clenched teeth. “I don’t believe you anyway.”
There were too many things she had to endure all on her own to fall for his pleading. Her heart was already too rotted and broken to be shaken by this. She would never believe in love again. This resolution was years in the making.
Diana held out her bandaged wrist in front of Iandrus, speaking with a deadly serious face. “I can do this again. I’ll do it tomorrow, too. And the day after that as well. Maybe I’ll be lucky and die. Then I could really run away from you.”
“Diana!”
“…..Why can’t you understand, Iandrus? I couldn’t be more serious. Why are you pretending not to understand that?”
Iandrus looked clearly disturbed. Sitting on the floor, devastated and without dignity, he reached out his trembling hand, barely touching Diana’s wrist. Maybe it was her imagination, but it looked as though he was seconds from crumbling away.
She clenched her fist. Her hand shook as blood started to seep from her wound. Taking her hand, Iandrus carefully unclenched Diana’s fingers.
“Don’t…..Don’t squeeze like that. Your wound will reopen,” Iandrus said in a choked up voice. The corners of his eyes were reddened and his jaw was tense. The woman he held in his heart hated him so much, she was willing to do this to herself, and he felt awful. His heart, already wavering, felt each scratch intensely.
“This engagement is being forced on you, too,” Diana muttered quietly. “So why are you hanging onto me like this?”
Iandrus quickly shook his head hearing her confused tone.
“It’s not….forced. It’s not that kind of engagement, Diana.”
“Then what is it?”
Iandrus’ eyes shook.
His heart was falling apart at her constant rejection. He wanted to turn her distant gaze back onto him. He wanted to melt her cold, sullen eyes and bring back the warmth they once had towards him. His heart was racing like he needed to hurry, but he didn’t know how.
At first, he felt like he was being forced into an unavoidable situation. The engagement, their marriage—all of it, entirely unavoidable. But he enjoyed Diana’s outspoken feelings towards him. It made him feel as though he was always coming out on top. Like he was winning. But that was just a pointless, frivolous feeling.
Like the palm of one’s hand, their relationship was something that could be flipped and turned upside down at any time.
It hurt him now to know how drunk he was on those childish emotions.
“Why are you doing this? Do you really think the alliance between our families is so fragile that it will fall apart if we don’t get married?”
It wasn’t because of that. The reason why he was hanging onto her so painfully like this was because of something more essential than that. Not for the alliance, their kingdom, or the union of their families, but instead…….
Iandrus knelt again slowly before Diana’s feet.
“Don’t do this, Diana…….”
He took her hand, burying his face in her open palm.
The slight warmth of her hand warmed up his frozen heart. Like a wolf acting like a lamb, Iandrus gently rubbed his face against her hand.
“Please don’t do this……..”
As if he were praying, he sat on his knees, taking deep breaths like sighs and keeping his forehead pressed against her palm. What was the feeling swirling around inside of him right now? Why was he hanging on to the point of acting so pathetic, abandoning his pride and position? This was Iandrus’ chance to find out.
“I love you……..”
And he slowly breathed out his true feelings.
Diana’s eyes widened.
It was unbelievable. Those were the words past Diana would never have expected to hear from Iandrus during these days. No, she didn’t think she’d hear them for the rest of her life. All sorts of emotions coursed through her small body. But the strongest feeling was the fear beating against her heart and wrapping itself around her.
Those were once words she wanted to hear more than anything, but now it was just terrifying.
Maybe it was because Diana knew better now. She knew that words could shake a person to the point of helplessness. That she could take his hand again, pretending to know nothing, and walk straight back into that misfortune all while trying to escape it.
“Don’t say that.”
“Diana, I…..”
“Don’t say that…..like you mean it.” With a frightened expression, Diana shook off Iandrus. “I….can’t. I hate that.”
Everything she knew was telling her she had to push him away. She would be stuck in misery and dragged down if she listened. Like watching her child die in front of her, unable to save her.
“I can change things, Diana.” But he held onto her, crying as he did. “If you tell me what I don’t know, I can change it.”
That desperation clung onto Diana’s heart. But she still couldn’t. She shook her head resolutely, the wound on her chest throbbing in pain.
Was this even something he could change?
Iandrus was completely ruined after that incident. Though he wasn’t kind or friendly, he was at least faithful to his family, but then he turned away from Diana and started bringing other women to his bedroom. And of course, the women who went to Iandrus’ room did so by whispering things into his ear.
They whispered rumors of Diana’s false affair to Iandrus, even telling him that Scintilla was not his biological child. Even though it was an insult to dare speak ill of the royal family, his heart, already devastated and broken, easily succumbed to their lies.
‘That girl may not be your biological daughter. Everyone’s talking about it. I heard the queen brought her favorite knight into her bedroom. Oh, you didn’t know?’
‘If this carries on, the kingdom Prince Jaymus wanted to protect until the moment of his death will be utterly ruined.’
‘How arrogant Philadelphia has been, thinking they stand above the king. Such a mistake. You should punish them and set the status of the kingdom on the right path.’
That’s how they spoke of Diana.
They framed her family, crushing Philadelphia’s honor into the ground. But Diana continued to deny those rumors, struggling as she did.
‘I would never do that! It’s not true at all, please believe my innocence. My father always dedicated his life to this kingdom!’
‘Do you not trust my heart? You doubt my sincerity? I’ll tell you again and again. I love you…..’
‘……..Please honor my last request. Please save my brother. Guinness is a man who raised his sword for the sake of the kingdom. If you can spare at least one person, let it be him.’
But all of Diana’s pleas were ignored.
He took her truths to be lies, and her existence was blasphemed—all of her beloved family members were slaughtered. Even Guinness, who acted as the sword for Prince Jaymus and the kingdom, was falsely accused of harming him. And amongst all these contradicting and inflating rumors, Iandrus closed his eyes and ears.
Sitting on the sidelines as everything happened, Iandrus gave his approval for the purge of Philadelphia.
‘Please! Iandrus! Please!’
Everything Diana held dear was destroyed in an instant. It was no different from someone ripping her heart straight from her chest. The only thing left there was resentment and despair—deeper than anyone could possibly imagine.
Reflecting on the past, Diana’s lips trembled.
“……..You never once looked back.” Her eyes filled with a calm coldness glared towards Iandrus. “I begged you to, but you didn’t even look back at me.”
“Diana……”
A single tear rolled down Diana’s pale cheeks. If she burst into tears now, he might take the chance to soothe her in an attempt to worm his way into her heart. So this had to be enough.
The look on Diana’s face now was one that couldn’t cry any more.
“Philadelphia…..protected you in order to protect me. But in the end, you abandoned us all. That’s how my father, my mother, and even Guinness died.”
Fragments of the past she wanted to forget flowed from between Diana’s lips.
“Diana.”
“Your complacency and weakness made you turn your back on us and eventually you had us all killed…..You were a foolish man who was so overwhelmed by your own pain that you ignored everyone else’s. Can you change that, Iandrus?” Diana coldly shook off Iandrus’ hand. “No, you can’t. When it happens, you’ll end up making the same choices. And that frightens me, Iandrus. So please leave.”
At first, it sounded like a request, but it was most certainly an order. As she clenched her hands, blood flowed from her wound down her wrist. Caught up in her emotions, her wound opened up again.
“Alright, alright, Diana. I’ll leave, so……relax your hands.” Biting his lip, Iandrus ripped the fabric of his sleeve, wrapping it around Diana’s wrist. “I’ll call a doctor. And then I’ll leave, okay?”
Even now, Diana’s hands were still clenched, even as he urgently tried to stop the bleeding. Pulling his hand away from Diana one finger at a time, Iandrus finally took a step back.
“Ian.” Diana spoke Iandrus’ nickname with a quiet voice. “Please, I’m begging you.”
It felt like the world was collapsing beneath her. It was a moment when her first love turned sour and painful. Her first love, which should be blooming like peach-colored flowers, sweet chocolate or like lovely green apples, was leaving only a bitter taste in one’s mouth like medicine.
But Iandrus was unable to spit the bitter foods out of his mouth. Before she knew it, he was wiping away her tears with his hand.
“….I’ll come back.”
And then, with his shoulders squared, Iandrus left Diana’s bedroom, leaving her to stare at the door for a very long time.
Thinking about it, the view of Iandrus’ back that Diana had gotten used to seeing looked even smaller than hers did. Realizing that, Diana smiled bitterly.