If she had chosen him, if she had held his hand and became a legal mistress under his protection, she could have lived a more splendid life than anyone else.
Like other mistresses who could lift their heads up in dazzling dresses and adorned with expensive jewellery.
It would’ve been better than being scorned like this, living a simple life being confined in a small house that was no bigger than the annex of her former house, with only two maids.
Of course, the house, the maid, and everything she consumed and purchased was billed to Marquis Karsha.
But the money she spent over the years didn’t even come close to the price of decent jewellery.
If she didn’t like it, if she found being a mistress is so despicable, she should have started standing alone.
She had had time. Time to organize her thoughts, take care of herself, and move forward.
More than four years had passed since she met the Marquis in front of the temple, but all that Leila had done in the meantime was to stay alone in the house, intoxicated with her unhappiness and the love that others gave her.
After that, she could only cry, wishing she had more time.
Even at this moment when she realized everything, while thinking of getting out of this mistress position and living independently, she was still thinking about something else.
Perhaps Theon would be willing to accept this child, too.
Then, wouldn’t she be able to live peacefully in his shadow as she has always done? It was a really stupid idea, but she couldn’t help but hope.
***
It was late in the evening on the next day when the reply arrived.
The two maids who came to announce that they were about to leave for the day handed Leila the letter that had just arrived.
After the maids left, Leila opened the envelope.
—I’ve always wanted to go and see you, but unfortunately, I can’t find time this week.
I’ll see you next Monday at 5 p.m. I’m going to see you even if I have to put everything off, so please wait a little bit.
Leila read the letter over and over again.
“Is this all?”
She deserved to say such an absurd thing.
Of course, it was fortunate that he informed her of the exact schedule of the visit. But that was all.
It was Leila’s first letter to him. It was a letter that contained a sense or urgency. Even after seeing it, there was not a single word to ask about it, not a single word to ask for her well-being.
“… …”
Leila threw the letter on the desk and lay down on the bed.
She was starting to lose her trust in him.
After that, everything became annoying. It may be immature, but at the moment, she just wanted to let him know as soon as possible and put an end to the worries and suffering.
‘If he asks me to break up, I’ll have to claim child support. How much would be enough?’
She closed her eyes and began to think realistically.
Love and faith are invisible, so you have to express them to let the other person know.
Leila didn’t feel it from her lover even in her most precarious moment. This somewhat awakened her from the illusion of her love and she became aware of reality.
***
It was Monday. Even though it was the day of Theon’s visit, Leila still felt complicated in her mind.
She thought that if Theon rejected the child, she would claim child support without hesitation. The same was true if the child was accepted.
She didn’t want to live this life anymore, after fully acknowledging that she was just a mistress.
‘He’s the child’s father, of course he should know. So I’m just trying to tell him!’
Theon’s reaction will not change her decision. This was the result of Leila’s contemplation for several days.
Even so, her mind was not happy because it seemed that her heart would be shaken if he truly accepted her.
Time passed and it was already afternoon. It was probably from then. Leila became strangely excited.
She started nagging at the maids-in-waiting, “There! There’s a bunch of dust under the table!”
“There’s hair on the floor!”
“Do we have any other bowls besides this one?”
“Oh, my God! Theon hates cooked carrots! He never eats it!”
“Change to other spices that don’t smell too strong! It smells sickeningly sweet like roses with that one!” The maids followed Leila’s order without a word.
It was because they knew very well that their owner, the employer’s lover, who usually does not interfere at all, would be unusually upset on the day the employer came.
They had experienced this for several years already.
They respectfully followed her instructions, wishing the Marquis to come sooner than scheduled.
When the wall clock in the living room indicated 4:45 p.m, Leila drove the maids off work.
She was going to have a secret conversation and didn’t want them to interrupt her time with him.
Without the maids, Leila had to do all the chores herself, but she didn’t care.
She was willing to do it for him, as she had always been.
‘I’ll have to wait at the door.’
Leila dragged the armchair on one side of the living room to the front door.
Once Theon knocked on the door, she would immediately open the door.
Just in time, the grandfather clock rang, announcing that the five o’clock he had promised had arrived.
“Is he going to be a little late?”
Theon rarely came on the appointed time.
He was sometimes a little early and sometimes a little late. She recalled that he was late much more often than not.
Leila looked at the front door for a moment. Then, just in case, went to her room, took a book she had just read, and sat back on the armchair by the door.
She used to feel very upset about this issue, but she is now used to it.
She used to say this at that time,
‘You have to learn to be on time. You’ll meet a lot of people at work, so don’t do anything that will make a bad impression on them!’
She pretended to be worried and expressed her disappointment. What did Theon say then?
‘Of course, I keep my time commitment when I work,’ making Leila even more upset.
But Leila decided to try to understand him and said the following words,
‘Maybe I’m being silly, because you’re the only person in the world who doesn’t blame me.’
At a relatively young age, he became a marquis as an illegitimate child, living in this world more fiercely than anyone else.
He might have been nervous all day long, walking down a bladed path, only relaxing when he met her.
‘It’s comfortable being with you. All the troubles that made my head hurt are gone. You are my only refuge!’
So, she tried to understand. And now, years later, she fully understands.
The grandfather clock rang. It was 6 o’clock.
‘He’s late. Is he going to be later than this?’
Leila glanced towards the kitchen.
‘The food must have been cold. What should I do? Should I just go to the dining room?’
She turned her gaze back to the book.
“I wish you would come sooner.”
Leila unintentionally poured her heart out, and quietly turned the pages without being aware of it.
Looking back on the past few years, her daily life was all monotonous and boring.
The only moment Leila was happy was when Theon arrived.
How could you not be happy when someone you love and someone who loves you is coming?
So, his arrival was the only source of vitality and happiness in her boring daily life.
For that reason, now she still loved him as passionately as she did before she realized she was only a mistress.
Leila closed her book. There were no more pages to turn.
Just in time, the clock rang, signaling it was 7 o’clock.
“… …”
She looked at the door. There was no sign of anyone coming.
Soon the sun had set. It was dark all around. She was thinking of turning on the lights, but in the end only brought a small lamp to illuminate her surroundings.
The chair shook as she sat. The chair squeaked and rocked back and forth.
‘Will you still come?’
Leila was quietly meditating, letting the movement of the chair soothe her.
Looking back over the past few years, what is happening today is not unusual.
Theon was not a punctual person, and he often unilaterally announced that he would visit and rudely canceled it.
It would have been nice if he could have informed her of the cancellation before the scheduled time. He often broke promises without prior notice. Just like today.
If it was Leila in the past, she might have thought, ‘That’s okay.’
She had made a hasty request, and Theon managed to free time at her request.
So she must understand, and would’ve forced herself to comfort her sorrowful heart.
‘I wish I could tell him and just get over with it.’
The love that filled her heart, cooled down after repeated disappointment.
Then the realistic things she had thought about all morning and had decided to do filled her head.
‘It’s okay even if you’re late, just come within today.’
Therefore, her muttering was not about wanting to see the person anymore, but rather a desperate wish to end the matter itself as soon as possible.
Again, the grandfather clock rang. It was 8 o’clock.
“I’m hungry,” Leila muttered at the sound.
Like most ladies growing up, Leila had also grown by shrinking her stomach.
Normally, she ate a bowl of soup in the morning, a normal meal for one serving at lunch, and nothing in the evening.
She had gotten used to it. Today, she didn’t eat lunch in preparation for dinner with Theon.
Concerned about Leila’s health, Theon hated her starving herself by skipping meals. This time, aside from a bowl of soup in the morning, Leila hadn’t eaten anything else until this time.
Of course, she would be hungry.
“Should I just… eat first?”
After all, the dinner had to be thrown away at the end of the day. Dry and cold meal could not be given to anyone, especially him. It wasn’t polite.
In that case, wouldn’t it be better to eat at least a little of what would be thrown away anyway?
Even with that thought, Leila hardly moved from her seat, but not because she was worried about Theon coming at all. It was because she was lazy.
The grandfather clock rang, announcing that it was 9 o’clock.
In the midst of hunger, Leila recalled a fairy tale that her mother had read to her in the past.