The Woman’s Circumstances (11)
Leila shut her mouth for a moment and looked at Theon.
‘Why did his body stiffened to my question? What does that mean?’
‘Is he blaming me? Why does it seem like he’s criticizing me?’
Leila stared blankly at Theon for a while, then opened her mouth unconsciously.
“About a month ago, I went to the park when I had a cold.”
Theon, who was sitting on the sofa, looked up at her.
“The park you told me about.”
His eyes slowly recalled the past.
“I met some noblewomen there, and they accused me of being a mistress and insulted me.”
Theon remembered what park Leila was talking about, and why she had to be blamed.
“I couldn’t understand. Why should I be criticized for just walking in the park? Is it really just because I’m a mistress?”
Even now, Leila still couldn’t understand, but Theon knew. Leila had done something reprehensible.
Perhaps if he told all the truth, Leila would realize her mistake and apologize politely.
For the moment, no matter what Leila was thinking inside, the two seem harmonious on the outside.
“You told me that I’m not like a mistress. Every time I expressed myself as a mistress, you got even more angry. Isn’t that right?” Theon didn’t say anything, only quietly listening to Leila’s calm accusations.
In his prolonged silence, Leila opened her mouth again.
“You say I’m not, and I don’t think I’m one, either. So, I don’t want to get criticized just for strolling because I’m a mistress.”
“…So you want to have children?”
Theon’s voice escaped from his mouth.
“You don’t have an official heir. If I had a child, if it was a boy, he might be the heir.”
“… …”
“If I had a boy for you, I thought at least I wouldn’t be criticized just from walking around the town.”
He lowered his head slightly downward and raised his elbows on both thighs.
He held his hands and stared at the floor for a while.
Leila quietly waited for his answer. Everything she said just now was not the truth.
She had realized now that she was nothing more than a mistress, and she had no intention of denying that anymore.
The fact that Leila had been living as a mistress while denying her life had already caused enough trouble to the Marquis.
Therefore, she did not want to harm the Marquis further by bringing up her pregnancy.
If she hadn’t realize it, she’d be happy as soon as she knew she was pregnant, not distressed.
She wouldn’t have even thought of breaking up with Theon, hiding the fact that she was pregnant with his child.
Everything she just said was merely a lie mixed with a little bit of facts to make Theon think.
He knew she was nothing more than a mistress, but he didn’t want to deny her.
He had already given his answer just from his reactions, but Leila didn’t want to admit it.
“… …”
Leila’s decision could’ve varied depending on how Theon answered.
Leila was already disappointed with a man named Theon, and she vowed to leave him.
Her Theon was a very meaningful person to her.
When she was in desperate need of help, he helped, shared his love and warmth to her.
He was the one who made her live, and the one whom she loved as much as she loved her own life for years.
Will she be able to let go of all the feelings she had for him with a momentary decision?
The emotion of love can make a person foolish.
So, depending on how he said it, the feeling of love could fool Leila.
“Not now.”
After a long period of silence, Theon said,
“You knew about my position. So, not now. I want to be a proud father to my child. I want you to be that kind of mother too.”
Leila thought, ‘So you’re saying when I’m all old? When I’m old and sick and wither?’
‘When you abandon me as you find a new and young mistress?’
‘No, apart from that, how do I believe you? Have you ever given me confidence?’
‘I have your baby in my womb right now, would you still say those words to me if you knew?’
He only wanted her to live as a meek mistress as she is now.
“…Yes. I understand.”
Leila spoke slowly to resist the sharp words that were about to squeak out of her mouth.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to rush you. It’s just because I’m a bit sensitive lately…”
Theon stood up from his seat and hugged Leila, who was still standing.
“It’s alright, I understand.”
“… Thank you. For understanding me.”
“Don’t worry about what such ignorant people say. Just ignore them.”
“Alright. I’ll try to do that.”
“Your existence is too precious to be hurt by those worthless words. I want you to think only of good things.”
Theon did not tell Leila the truth.
If Leila knew, she would answer with, ‘I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll be more careful.’ And she would have tried to please him for months.
For sure.
“Alright.”
But in the end, Theon did not tell her the truth about that day.
“It’s time.”
He checked the watch on his wrist.
“When I’m with you, time passes so quickly. It’s weird.”
He kissed Leira lightly on the cheek. It was a signal to go.
Leila grabbed Theon’s arm.
“Aren’t you going to ask?”
“About what?”
Leila blinked her eyes a few times as she looked at Theon who asked her calmly.
“I sent you a letter. I have an urgent business. Aren’t you going to ask about it?”
Theon tilted his head to the side.
“Isn’t it about what you just said? About what happened in the park?”
Ah, what the hell does this man think of herself?
Does he think that the reason she finally wrote her first letter ever to him, the reason she had sought her lover in such a hurry, is only to complain? Even if he thinks so, shouldn’t he ask at least once? Is he not interested in it even in the slightest?
She felt like the world was spinning in front of her.
At least she had been so sure that Theon loved her before this. But now she wasn’t even sure of that.
“It’s not?” Theon asked her.
“No, you’re right.”
Leila replied with a smile as if nothing had happened.
Then she put her arms around his neck and, as always, she kissed his mouth lightly.
“I hope you stay a little longer next time.”
“I will do that. I’ll be back soon.”
After that empty promise, Theon left. Leaving Leila alone in this room, as usual.
She walked to the window and looked down at the grasses glistening in the sunlight.
She thought it was better that she didn’t mention the matter. That man didn’t want anything like a child with her.
His love was narrow and selective.
“I’m sorry, child. You won’t have a father.”
She said as she patted her own belly with her hand.
‘Maybe you won’t even have a mother.’
Even when she decided to break up with him, she never thought she was ready to raise a child.
As the doctor said, she would be better off leaving the child to some orphanage or temple. One thing is for sure, however, is that the child won’t have a father.
‘First, I’ll try to find out what’s worth selling in the house.’
As she thought about breaking up, she wondered whether she should convey her intention to end this relationship, out of politeness to the other party.
Even if he loved her only as his mistress, he was kind enough in protecting her.
So, shouldn’t it be the least polite thing to do?
‘No, it will be fine. Once I disappear, he won’t be able to find me anyway. So why bother?’
Although she was already tired with this relationship, she still felt her love for him. Her nose shivered as she thought of saying her final goodbyes to him. Even though, Theon had done countless disrespect to Leila.
But she realized that he had broken his promises so casually, so there was no reason for Leila to respect him anymore.
So, she decided to just leave quietly.
***
“Normally, women prefer to sew things.”
“That’s right. There are so many things you can do at home. Oh! Some also grow crops and sell them little by little.”
The two maids took turns answering.
On the afternoon of the day Theon came and went, Leila asked the maids a question.
She asked about what commoner women usually do to make money.
They gave a variety of answers, but they weren’t the answer Leila wanted.
She wanted something she could do without going out as much as possible, and so she asked for more options.
They finally gave Leila the answer she wanted.
“Noblewomen can do better,” The middle aged woman stared at Leila as she answered.
She was the maid that had worked with Leila since she first came to this mansion.
“Because you can do complex embroidery! However, the payment will be different depending on your skill level,” Added the young maid who started working about a year ago, because the maid before her quit halfway for personal reasons.
“So, you’re saying that embroidery is better than general needlework, and that the more proficient and complex the pattern, you get paid more?”
“That’s right.”
Leila’s face brightened. She had a knack for embroidery. She was originally already crafty, and after doing it for several years whenever she was bored at home, her embroidery could now be considered perfect.
“Then where can I get the orders?”
The maids might be puzzled by Leila’s nonsensical questions, but they still answered her obediently,
“Is it possible to earn a living with needlework in other kingdoms besides the Empire?”
Leila, who had figured out about what to do, asked another question.
The young maid tilted her head slightly at her words.
“I haven’t been to other countries so I don’t know.”
“Ah…”
“I’m not sure, but it shouldn’t be that much different. All kinds of people live there, and there must be a lot of common people.” The middle-aged maid spoke as if she knew Leila’s concerns.
“Thank you for letting me know. You’re good to go for the day.”
Leila, who had sent her maids back, took out her embroidery which she had been fond of.
This was enough for her to be praised even among the ladies.
“Thank God.”
Then, Leila searched all over the mansion, looking for valuable items.