Chapter 31 – Confusion and Selfishness (2)
“….!”
Rewan looked already insane. His eyes were empty, and he gave me goosebumps. He stared at me with empty eyes, and I couldn’t find any emotion. Seeing that, I couldn’t stand his gaze, so I closed my eyes.
It was not my fault that he did this.
Despite the feeling of getting out of breath, I was instinctively busy taking care of my selfishness. I thought of death as my breath got tighter and tighter before taking a deep breath. In an instant, I was intoxicated with passionate emotions and forgot what kind of person I was.
I could feel the emotions that had risen start to cool off and reason return.
The original was twisted, and the character changed.
Even if the story changed and people changed, I was a person who would never change. Just like Rewan’s pure love for Arne was catastrophic, I couldn’t love him passionately, devotedly, and consistently.
I was a person who would not change with that thin feeling of love. I…
It might be normal for him to kill me. I stole the body from Arne, whom he loved, and deceived him by pretending to be her. Nonetheless, I had no idea that it would end so suddenly. Was it the result of selfishness that was always rushed to be taken care of…?
I smiled bitterly inside.
I relaxed my body and waited for death. This might be the right ending. Wasn’t it strange to enjoy the suffering of others and enjoyed the happiness that came from it…? To take away the love of others and to feel love… It might be funny.
Besides, I thought that it was Rewan’s fate to die while rescuing Arne here. I tried to pretend I was unaware of his death.
I remembered the past me who brought Rewan all the way here. I shouldn’t have brought him here in the first place. I didn’t know I would have any special feelings for him. I was just curious about the unchanging love he gives to Arne, out of curiosity. Because of that, it made me miserable.
I thought about the death I was going to face.
It was good to enjoy other people’s pain… You get killed by the person you fell in love with for the first time.
However, as expected, nothing happened. The pain in my neck disappeared, and I thought I was dead for a moment. I took a deep breath and glanced at him. I was caught in his hazy eyes.
When his reason returned, he wept like an animal.
“Uuuhh… huhuuh…”
Rewan let out a heavy sigh and cried for a long time.
I ruffled his hair silently and stroked his back. As if he had calmed down to some extent, he leaned into my arms and took a deep breath. His breath on my shoulder was exciting.
Even in this situation, the excitement that was blooming gave me a sense of ridicule again. As expected, look. Just a little while ago, guilt was corroding my brain, though my body was steadily feeling excited even in this situation right now.
…I am such a person. I was the one who did not suit love.
When I felt Acacia or Rewan’s pure concern for me, I felt as if I could now understand why I felt a certain sense of lethargy.
I was a worthless person. Worthless of receiving one’s kindness, love, or worries. I was genuinely worried about the situation I was in, and even if I worried about it, it meant nothing to me. It was because I really enjoyed and wanted this situation.
I had no intention of changing.
The sense of disparity they give… It made me mistaken for a moment. I was loved and deserved to be worried.
“Don’t cry.”
“Sorry… sorry.”
“Leave this place.”
Falling into despair, I spoke as bluntly as possible, excluding personal feelings. My hands were shaking the whole time I spoke. In the end, all these tragedies were the result of my selfishness. This was also my fault.
“Come back with more power.”
He gazed at me with eyes full of despair.
“Ho… how can…”
“This is an order.”
“…Please, please. Please, take the order back… I, I, was, wrong… wrong.”
Rewan hurriedly lowered his body and grabbed my ankle. He wept at my feet, asking me to revoke the order. I couldn’t figure out what the hell he did wrong as I looked at him begging blankly.
It was me, me…
Having made him like this, I had nothing more to say to him.
[ Rewan was locked up in another place with Arne. He hardly ate any food from the Imperial Palace. He ate only enough to survive. For example, a slice of bread or a spoonful of soup.
There was only a single spot where the light came through. There was nothing inconvenient about it other than that — A place to sleep, a place to rest, and a place to eat were separated.
“Then, you will die soon.”
Acacia looked up at Rewan, who was getting thinner. He brought him soup and soft bread.
There was silence in the space for a moment. Then, he handed the soup to Rewan. He was silently looking at the soup Acacia gave him.
“Even if you don’t want to live, why don’t you think of your Master and try to live first?”
Acacia spoke calmly.
Rewan smirked inside. They were the ones who put them here for doing nothing. With a sharp tone, he shot back at him.
“Don’t you think this is what you brought upon?”
Acacia ate a spoonful of soup without saying a word as if nothing happened. After that, he handed the soup back to Rewan.
When Rewan slashed what he was given, the bowl fell to the floor and shattered. Acacia sighed and picked up the broken pieces.
“Do you know how your King is treated?”
Acacia admired her for not having lost her faith. Even though he wanted to help her, there was a limit. He could save her from the danger right before her eyes, although he can’t get her out of the place. Still, he wanted to help Arne as much as he could.
She needed to get out of this place and rebuild her country. He wanted to see her become the King of the country… And, if only Arne was willing, he wanted to protect her, who would rule the country.
He boldly told Rewanwhat had happened with Arne. Even if it was Distria’s ploy, it was an accident that was ultimately caused by his own negligence, and he was miserable throughout his words. He was guilty of Arne and felt sorry.
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Listening to Acacia’s words, Rewan’s face gradually turned white.
“…I’d rather die.”
“….”
Rewan sneered himself.
He was a knight who served and guarded his master. With this indescribable despair, he spoke words that he should not have dared to say as a knight. He talked about the death of his master. He was frustrated that there was nothing he could do… He wanted to cry.
Rewan bit his lip.
The time he had survived barely eating anything was shattered by arguing with them on his own accord. It was not a productive time at all. If it really was for her, he had to do something.
He looked at Rewan, who was in despair and moved on.
Although he was in a dire situation, Acacia felt envious of him… That he was serving a good master.
As a knight, Acacia was very envious. ]
I ignored Rewan’s desperate gaze and his tears. This brief moment of clearing my mind, which had just awakened, pretended not to know and took my breath away more than the time Rewan strangled me.
That night, I pretended not to know him until the very end while he was begging at my feet. I pretended not to know him, who was asking me to let him breathe in the same room. I pretended not to know him who was sorry because he wasn’t helpful and asked to check my safety at least from afar from time to time…
I summoned Acacia and forced Rewan to get into the carriage. He pretended not to notice the bright red marks on my neck and said something else.
“I think he’s a very valuable person.”
The words, which Acacia spoke softly to me, shook my heart.
Even then, when he asked if Rewan was precious, I couldn’t say anything, neither affirmative nor negative. Even though I was heartbroken right now, I knew that it wouldn’t last long. I knew I would soon forget Rewan… I was such a person. Small pleasures were better than true love.
I let out a laughter of scorn.
“…No. In that case, I wouldn’t have sent him away.”
“Is that so…”
Acacia, who had finished preparing for work, looked at me. He gently pressed his lips to my red eyes, which had been crying all night long.
“…I don’t think I’ll be able to come home because I’m busy tonight.”
“…Yes.”
Uttering something strange, he ran out of the room.
* * *
As he said he would not return that night, he returned home early in the morning. I woke up to the sound of the horseshoe and glanced out of the window. It was a twilight dawn. I watched him get off his horse and enter the mansion.
Acacia’s footsteps were heard in front of the door.
Just as it had become a habit for him to come home and come to my room, it had been a long time since I had gotten used to the sound of his footsteps coming here.
Unlike usual, he came in without knocking and faced me with a surprised face. For a moment, he blinked for a moment and gazed at me with a look of vain. He wiped his face for a moment and looked at me.
“Why…”
There was a strong smell of alcohol coming from him. Acacia frowned once and approached me. His warm hand touched my shoulder. He frowned once more as he grabbed my shoulder with a strong force.
As Acacia’s hand was getting stronger, my shoulder ached and I let out a low moan.
“…Ugh.”
“…Why? Why… Didn’t you go?”
Acacia’s low voice echoed in my ears.
His words, which I couldn’t understand, filled me with wonder. I hid my curiosity and glanced at him with an expressionless face. His pure white face was red from drunkenness or anger.
“How did I feel when I sent you away? You… you…”
Acacia, who was spitting confusion over confusion, met my lips.
All of a sudden, he grabbed my shoulder tightly for a moment as I was bewildered by the unusually hasty kiss. The strong smell of alcohol permeated my mouth. He then pushed me onto the bed and greedily ran through my mouth.
After coveting my mouth for a while, he stared at me, calming his heavy breathing.
“…Did you still think you were a king just because I treated you like a king?”
I thought I was going to be eaten by his ferocious, sharp-edged eyes.
Acacia ripped off my clothes and started to touch my body, unlike the soft past. His calloused hands reached my chest and touched my thighs. He pushed himself into my mouth without even having time to breathe.
I couldn’t figure out why he was angry.
The next moment, Acacia stood up, bit my n*pples, and sucked my breasts into his mouth.
Unlike the day when he gently cared for me and held me, he put his flesh under me, who was still not wet, and rushed to satisfy his desire. He held one hand on my shoulder, holding my body that was shaking against my will. It was painful.
There was a dull sound that didn’t even sound like s*x.
“Huuh…!”
“You’re just a tool to satisfy others’ desires at any time.”
It was painful for a while, but a feeling of excitement rose.
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As I bit my lip and looked at him, I could see him gazing at me with a somewhat distressed expression. I turned my head. Meanwhile, Acacia’s hair, which was always tied up, was messed up and fluttered around my chest.
I had no idea what had made him so confused or impatient. Then, I suddenly remembered what Acacia had said this morning.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to come home because I’m busy tonight.”
Ah, only now did I know that Acacia had given me room to escape.
…How stupid.