When the light and wind died away, the hallway was deserted.
—Because we made a promise yesterday!
It was only after the time machine was gone that I finally understood the import of Akashi’s words.
In other words, the person who had stolen a march on past-me and invited her to the Okuribi was none other than myself. I only had a moment to bask in that unspeakably strange sense of relief before I was hit by the full, horrifying weight of what I had to do. If I somehow failed to ask her out successfully, the chain of events wouldn’t match up, and the universe would be annihilated. That would really be pathetic.
Fluorescent lights flickered on in the dim hallway.
“Hey!”
I turned to see who it was.
Akashi was walking down the corridor towards me.
I felt like an unwitting understudy who had suddenly been thrust out onto the stage, staring wide-eyed at Akashi and foolishly flapping my mouth open and shut.
“I see you’re back from the bathhouse. What about the Master and the others?”
I couldn’t find my voice to answer her. She seemed to find it odd as well. “Is something wrong?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
I sucked in a deep breath, and finally managed to choke out, “It’s nothing.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m fine. Just a little tired.”
“I understand. It’s been a long day, hasn’t it?”
“Higuchi and the others will be back soon. How was the used book fair?”
Akashi happily showed me a bag filled with books. “I went as fast as I could, but I just didn’t have enough time. I’m thinking of going again tomorrow.”
“There are just so many shops to browse, aren’t there?”
“Exactly, just so many of them,” she said, a wistful note entering her voice as she sat down on the couch.
I leaned against the wall and looked at her. I had to get this done before Higuchi and the others came back from the bathhouse. But how exactly to ask her out? It was too late now to regret that I hadn’t asked her for the specifics earlier.
As I privately fretted and frowned, Akashi mumbled to herself, “Now what should my next movie be?”
“Already thinking ahead? You never rest, do you.”
“It’s best to always be on the move. If I stopped, I would just start worrying,” Akashi said seriously. “Have you got any ideas?”
Being asked that sort of made me happy. The last few months during which I had hammered out the plot of Slayers of the Bakumatsu with Ozu and Akashi had been the first time in a long time that I had been happy, the first time that I’d really been able to throw myself into something again. It had been like a single ray of light breaking through the stormclouds that loomed over my room after the fiasco with the Keifuku Railroad Research Circle.
“How about this?” Before I knew it I’d started to outline an idea. “One morning, a man wakes up in his 4½ tatami room. It’s the same room he wakes up in every day, but for whatever reason something is bothering him. He opens the door to go to the shared bathroom, but rather than coming out into the hallway he is met with a mirror replica of his own room. Through the window of this room is yet another 4½ tatami room, and so on and so on. He’s been transported to a bizarre universe of 4½ tatami rooms. The man starts an expedition through this 4½ tatami universe, trying to find a way back to his own universe.”
Akashi leaned forward. “And then what happens?”
“Uh, I haven’t thought that far yet.”
“Come on!” she laughed.
“It’s from a dream I had once.”
“You have some awfully bizarre dreams, then,” Akashi said. “I’m jealous. I only ever have serious dreams.”
This is no time to be talking about dreams! I thought to myself. Inviting Akashi to the Gozan no Okuribi was the key to saving the universe. With the fate of the universe resting on my shoulders, this time there was no way for me to beat a tactical retreat.
But what if I failed? What if she said, “Why should I have to do that?”
Why did I have to feel all this pressure? Here is a man, who, being fond of another, wishes simply to invite her out: that is all. Over the history of humanity, countless people have gone through this act, and countless more yet will. It is a perfectly commonplace act, nothing more common. So why must such a common act be so hard?
My mouth was dry as a bone, my body stiff and unmoving like a piece of furniture.
Akashi turned her head, her ears pricking up. “Oh, they’re back.”
From below I could hear Higuchi and Ozu chatting animatedly. Once that meddling bunch was here I would lose my chance to ask Akashi out. There was no more time for decisions and revisions. I leapt into the dark.
“Akashi.”
“Yes?” she said, her voice clear as a bell. “What is it?”
“I’m thinking of going to see the Gozan no Okuribi.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“Would you like to come with me?” With bated breath I waited for her answer.
Akashi stared at me, her eyes wide. I couldn’t blame her. Why couldn’t I have figured out a more natural way to work it into the conversation? Those few seconds of silence felt so very long to me. Was she going to say no? Had I failed? I could practically see cracks in spacetime fissuring out from Shimogamo Yūsuisō, the universe crumbling into nothingness. Goodbye universe, goodbye Akashi.
And just as I had resigned myself to oblivion, the universe was saved.
“All right,” Akashi nodded.
“Really?” I let out a long breath. “Right. Awesome. Yeah.”
I was so relieved that I forgot how to string sentences together.
Ozu emerged from the stairwell at the end of the hall. Higuchi, Jōgasaki, and Hanuki followed behind him. They all chattered happily amongst themselves, ignorant of the battle I had just fought for the sake of the universe.
“Yoohoo!” Hanuki called, waving at us.
“I just wanted to be sure,” Akashi said in a low murmur as she waved back at Hanuki. “Did you mean with everyone? Or just the two of us.”
“The two of us, if you don’t mind.”
“I see.”
“So could you keep it secret from Ozu and the others?”
“Yes, a secret, of course, that’d be for the best, yes.” She was so nervous that she just kept nodding again and again.
◯
I had accomplished my duty as a time traveler.
Now how was I going to get back?
—I’ll come back for you, I promise!
That was what Akashi had said, but I didn’t see how she could possibly return here to get me. After the Cola Catastrophe, we had spent the night in watchful vigil until dawn. It wouldn’t do to have the time machine come thundering in while the denizens of the apartment were going in and out.
In any case, I had to get out of the apartment. Who knew what kind of mayhem would ensue once past-me showed up.
“Whew, that bath felt good.” Ozu flapped his towel lazily. “Why’d you have to leave, anyways?”
“Just had something to take care of.”
“And? You get it done?”
“Yeah, it was just a little errand.”
Ozu hmm-hmmed, and a devious grin appeared on his face.
Hanuki sat on the sofa and took swigs from a bottle of cola. Higuchi went into his room, leaving the door open behind him, and rustled around in its gloomy recesses.
“Master, the landlady wanted to see you,” Akashi shouted into the room.
“The rent, no doubt,” Higuchi sighed.
“Damn it’s hot,” Jōgasaki grumbled, wiping away sweat with the towel he’d bought from the bathhouse, and as a matter of course he opened the door to room 209 and turned on the air conditioner.
Hanuki put her bottle down on the fridge and stretched. “What’re you all going to do now?”
“The Master wants to go have an afterparty,” said Akashi. “It’d also serve as today’s post-mortem.”
“I’ll go too then. I wanna hear all about the shoot.”
Higuchi and Jōgasaki began to argue over where to have dinner. “You’ll come too, won’t you?” Akashi asked me, but I shook my head no.
“I’ve got something to take care of.”
This was my chance to leave. But no sooner had I started walking down the hallway than Ozu flung out his arms and blocked my path. “Hold it right there!”
“What do you want? Let me through.”
“Why the big rush? You just got here.”
“I told you, I got something to take care of.”
“But you just said you already took care of it.”
“That was something else. I’m a busy guy.”
“You’ve been acting funny, you know that? You’ve got something to hide.” Ozu heaved a dramatic sigh. “Why can’t you just tell us? We’re all friends here, aren’t we?”
“I don’t ever recall making you my friend.”
“There he goes again.” Ozu made a show of looking disappointed, before the grin came right back to his face. “You’ve got a girl, eh?”
“D-d-don’t be stupid!”
“There’s no fooling me!”
This was all so infuriating that I nearly lost my head. I tried to push past him, but Ozu wrapped himself around me like a clingy octopus.
“Y-you’re a meanie!” he sobbed, pretended to burst into tears. “Who is this skank you’re leaving me for?”
“Come on, just let me go. If I don’t get going soon, I’m going to be in a lot of trouble!”
“Look at you two, arguing like an old couple!” Hanuki cackled.
“All right, all right.” After we’d struggled for a few moments, Ozu finally let me go. “I’m not a monster, if you need to go that bad then I’ll let you go. But not for free, of course. You’re gonna do me a little favor in return!”
“What do you want me to do?”
“What else? A striptease!”
“What do I gotta do that for!”
“That’s about what’d it take to heal my wounded heart. Where’s that wooden basin? You know the old-fashioned sort of dance where you cover up your jewels with one of those, don’t you?”
I racked my brains, searching for a way to get out of here.
“Fine, I’ll tell you my secret.”
“Oh?” Ozu looked intrigued. “Do tell.”
I waved them towards the balcony. “Everyone go out to the balcony, you’ll understand.”
The day was ending, and the air around us was tinged with an underwater haze of blue. Ducking beneath the hanging, faded bedsheets, I leaned over the rusty guardrail and pointed toward the landlady’s garden. “See that over there?”
With some misgiving, everyone approached the guardrail.
“Isn’t that just the landlady’s garden?”
“There’s Kecak!”
“Precisely. What is Kecak doing?”
“It looks like he’s really focused on digging a hole.”
“Yes, but that’s not what he’s really doing. Look closer.”
Everyone leaned out for a better look into the garden.
I quietly turned and ducked through the sheets back into the hallway. I needed to get out of the apartment, but past-me would be returning soon, and I couldn’t take the risk of us colliding at the front entrance. Yet there was nowhere to hide in the hallway. I rushed into room 209 and burrowed into the back of the closet, shutting the closet door behind me. Nestled between rumpled clothes and my cardboard spank bank, I held my breath, listening as they searched for me in the hallway.
My readers are already aware of the incident that unfolded shortly afterward.
◯
At the entrance of Shimogamo Yūsuisō I heard many voices coming from the second floor.
“Oh, where did he go?” Ozu’s particularly shrill voice rang out.
He seemed to have stuck around with Higuchi and the others after the bath.
I walked up the stairs and down the corridor, to find Higuchi and Ozu pacing around. Jōgasaki and Hanuki were there too. They were all peering around the balcony, or opening doors, or going through the rubbish, like they were looking for something. Feeling an unpleasantly chilly breeze, I realized that the door to room 209 had been left wide open, and they’d taken the liberty of turning on my AC for themselves. Just as I opened my mouth to shout at them, Akashi appeared at the balcony. While I’d been soothing my wounded heart at the Kamo River, she’d returned from the used book fair.
Seeing me there she gasped.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” I asked.
Alerted by Akashi’s gasp, Higuchi, Ozu, Jōgasaki, and Hanuki all looked at me, letting out impressed oohs and aahs. Their gazes fell upon the bucket I was holding, and there was a sort of respect in their looks which I had never felt before.
“Wow, you really came prepared!” Hanuki purred. “That’s so hot!”
Even Jōgasaki was looking at me in a new light. “Dude, you’re an animal!”
The first thing I did was snatch the remote control from Higuchi’s hand and turn off the air conditioner. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use my air conditioner,” I said, setting the remote down on a minifridge next to a half-empty bottle of cola.
Akashi looked at me nervously. “So you’re really going to do it?”
“Do what?”
“Um…do the…you know, um…”
“Come on, start the show already!”
Ozu grabbed my arm and steered me to the middle of the hallway. Everyone else plopped down on the sofa or grabbed a stool, staring at me expectantly. I stared back at them, dumbstruck, while holding my bucket. What were they expecting me to do?
“Show? What show?”
“C’mon, we talked about this already!” Ozu shouted, smirking. “The striptease!”
“Striptease? But why?”
“Now, now, no need to put on airs,” said Higuchi, stroking his chin.
Jōgasaki scowled. “Don’t be a pussy, dude. You gonna do something, just man up and do it!”
“I wanna see the goods,” cooed Hanuki.
“L-look, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
Glancing around in bewilderment, my eyes fell upon Akashi, who was trying to hide behind Higuchi. On her face was a strange, indescribably complicated mixture of embarrassment, resignation, and just a hint of intellectual curiosity.
“You’ve got the prop already, don’t you?” Ozu pointed at my bucket. “All you gotta do is put it right here and do a little dance!”
He mimed putting an invisible bucket over his crotch and did a little wriggle.
The evil smile on Ozu’s face as he danced is etched indelibly into my brain. Truly, that must have been evil incarnate. That demonic two-step not only crushed my dreams for the future, it set the entire universe on the brink of annihilation.
Ozu’s right arm hit the minifridge, the impact knocking the cola bottle over. Dark liquid frothed out, flooding over the minifridge in an instant.
“The remote!” cried Akashi.
I rushed there, bowling Ozu over, but it was already too late.
The remote was drenched in cola, and it would never work again.
◯
And that was how the Cola Catastrophe on August 11th went down.
I didn’t know it at the time, but when the incident occurred, another me from the future had been hiding in the closet in room 209.
“Huh. Now it all makes sense,” I muttered in the darkness. “…So now what do I do?”