tw: mentions of s*icide and ab*rtion
Eight years later; at night.
On a distant night when darkness fell, a white lace curtain covered the moonlight and cast a faint shadow. The small woman curled up on the bed, furrowing her brows.
The beautiful woman with blonde hair was trapped behind the bars of her dreams. Bars made up of old nightmares.
“Ugh…”
She grumbled in her sleep. The silver-haired man who looked down at her anxiously carefully woke her up. Seeing that she was still in a deep slumber, the man called out to her in a quiet voice.
“Sien.”
Sierra suddenly woke up from her sleep. At the corner of her eyes stood a man with a worried face. He had silver hair as graceful as the moonlight and sea-colored eyes that Sierra loved so much, but also hated at the same time. Claude was there, alive and worried about her.
“Sien, are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?”
“Claude?”
Sierra’s eyes opened wide. As she blinked her long eyelashes, hot tears began to flow down her cheeks. Her glossy red eyes were fixed firmly on Claude. Then, he sighed.
“As expected, I think you had a nightmare.”
“…A nightmare?”
“Yes, a nightmare.”
Claude answered calmly. Looking into his serene eyes, Sierra recalled the nightmare she just had. However, it wasn’t exactly a nightmare, but a trace of her past that she erased.
She neither truly loved him nor hated him. But unlike her, who was lost between hate and love, Claude loved her until the end of his life.
“…This.”
Sierra raised her trembling hands. Her eyes that were engulfed in different types of confusion gazed back at Claude. Because Sierra couldn’t forgive him, she rebelled against him. But in fact, the moment Claude took his own life for her, she fell into despair. Claude, who did not hesitate to press the knife to his throat, had the blade cut through his skin without hesitation.
‘I’ll give you the right to kill me. Anytime, whenever you want, you may kill me.’
He was kind until the end. The last thing he wished for was her happiness.
‘Forget me and be happy. Okay, Sien?’
Crimson drops of blood poured down like a rain of petals, but the gentle man assured her until his last breath.
‘I will love you… forever.’
And the last thing Sierra wished for.
‘I want another chance.’
Thinking about that time and without knowing what to do, Sierra raised her gaze. Claude was standing still in front of her. His worried expression and voice suggested that he was still alive, no matter how much Sierra analysed him.
“Don’t you remember? Yesterday, you… You came to the Rispenseaux mansion.”
Having said that, Claude stretched out his hands and hugged his body. Sierra realised that he was naked, with not a single thread covering his body. His bare skin looked as smooth as silk. Claude’s confused eyes fluttered to hers.
‘Did I come to the Rispenseaux mansion yesterday?’
There was only one day when Sierra came to Claude first. The day when her engagement with the crown prince was decided, she went to find Claude impulsively. On a night that she never wanted to end, the words she said at that time rang in her ears.
‘I’m engaged to the crown prince.’
The silence in the room was sharper than a blade and Claude was half hidden in the darkness. Sierra struggled not to cry.
‘… So, Claude, just spend the night with me. After that, I will completely forget about you. I promise.’
Sierra’s lips trembled. The mirror across the bed reflected them hugging each other. Claude kissed her pale neck, and she looked embarrassed in his arms.
‘It’s a lie.’
She reflexively raised her hand to caress her flat stomach. Did she really return to the past? How? But what made her even more nervous than going back in time was:
‘The baby.’
Sierra returned to this point in time because, in the past as of this night, she got pregnant with Claude’s child. Trapped in sorrowful pleasures, Claude had embraced her without any intention to let her go. Still in his arms, Sierra looked up at Claude blankly as if she had been possessed by the magic of the night over and over again, knowing that she was pregnant with their child.
‘Claude.’
In the past, she couldn’t even tell Claude that they had a child. She was the crown prince’s fiance and Claude was the Emperor’s illegitimate son. In fact, this time it was no different. If she had returned to the past, this would’ve been the time when her engagement to the crown prince was decided.
‘Why don’t you ask me?’
After thinking about it for a moment, she shook her head. Either way, she should listen to Claude’s opinion. As the father of the child she held in her womb, he also had the least amount of rights.
“You know what, Claude.”
“Huh?”
Claude looked back gently. For a moment, Sierra’s eyes trembled. Claude was in front of her right now. Her throat felt dry and she bit her lip, confused.
“I want to ask you something.”
Meanwhile, Claude felt a little puzzled. As soon as she woke up from her nightmare, Sierra looked at him with a serious face. He didn’t know what it was, but he knew it was despair. Claude tilted his head.
“…What?”
“You know, maybe… but I’m sure it won’t happen.”
Sierra chose her words carefully. Her scarlet eyes looked strangely desperate.
“Do you, by any chance, want a child?”
It was a straightforward question. And, at that moment, Claude’s face dropped.
Claude always had a difficult time living as the Emperor’s illegitimate child, and unfortunately, he will never be able to escape the stigma that his own child would be illegitimate as well. He didn’t want his child to suffer because of his parents. So, he replied with a twisted look.
“A child… no.”
“Really?”
Sierra replied softly. She blinked her wide eyes for a moment. Under the silver hair swaying gracefully like the moonlight in May, only a pure and pale face could be seen.
I see.
Claude didn’t want children. In fact, she had already expected Claude’s answer.
‘Even if he wanted a child, I wasn’t planning on informing him about our baby.’
Sierra smiled. It was a smile that seemed sad, but also somewhat relieved. After all, the future with him was terrifying. Even if she didn’t know everything, she already knew her own future and there was no way she had the courage to hold his hand again. But still, in all honesty… Sierra had hoped to hear a different answer from him.
However, she didn’t want to burden him, and that was why she dared to ask the question, even though Sierra was not planning on revealing anything about the child.
She then whispered softly.
“…I see.”
“Sien?”
Claude called out in bewilderment. Sierra only stretched out her arms and embraced him.
“I love you, Claude.”
She poured out her honesty and smiled. Claude looked back at her with confusion.
“…Huh?”
Claude usually showed very little emotion in his expressions. That was the first time she said she loved him first. He blinked at her sudden remark and Sierra, with her head in her arms, continued.
“I’m sleepy.”
“Sien?”
“So, Claude. Put me to bed, right now.”
“What’s wrong with you today? It’s unusual.”
Claude smiled affectionately and closed his eyes in embarrassment. He hugged her tightly and laid her back down on the mattress. After pulling the blanket up to her chin to cover her body, Claude started to pat her chest lightly.
“I’ll stay by your side so you won’t have nightmares again.”
Kissing his forehead, Sierra’s whisper in his ear sounded heartbreaking.
“…Thank you.”
“Sien is a little weird today.”
“And? You don’t like it?”
A low laugh thundered in her ear. Claude kissed her wet eyelids and then replied.
“No. I will still love you no matter what you do.”
Sierra’s eyes widened a little. The smile on Claude’s lips was strangely bitter.
“I have no choice but to love you.”
After listening to the words that came out of his lips, Sierra scoffed.
“…Because in my life, you’re the only one I want to use the word ‘eternity’ with.”
Claude killed himself in the past because he didn’t want Sierra’s hands to get dirty.
He said ‘forever’. Would the word ‘eternity’ suit us?
“Good night, Sien.”
His sweet voice tickled her ear.
Claude’s breathing soon became slow and regular. After Sierra pretended to sleep for a while, she got up from her spot to make sure he was fast asleep.
‘Am I really back to the past?’
Sierra’s eyes trembled. She raised her hand and caressed Claude’s pale cheek.
‘Claude, you’re here. Alive…’
Five years ago, the eighteen-year-old Claude took the Empress’s hand to become a traitor. Claude was bleeding out while he proclaimed his love for Sierra, his eyes closing slowly as death approached him.
‘Maybe it was because I asked for another chance. Is that why time rewound?’
Why on earth did she go back in time? And why to this moment specifically? What changed between the future before she returned and the present after she returned?
After thinking about it, Sierra was startled.
‘Mine and Claude’s… child.’
After tonight, she will be pregnant with his child. And after realising the child’s existence, she reflexively embraced her belly, remembering the past when she chose to kill the child by taking drugs. Then, this time…
‘I can save the child.’
The thought came to her in an instant and she shrugged her shoulders. Did she really want to protect the child?
‘…Protect the child, huh.’
Sierra laughed bitterly. In fact, she considered herself to be selfish. She never wanted a child either. If she had been an ordinary woman, she wouldn’t have taken any medications to aid her abortion in the past when she found out that she was pregnant.
‘But what kind of child will they grow up to be… I wonder. ’
Sierra was curious about the child’s features—about the colour of their eyes and hair. When they’ve grown older, Sierra wanted to know if their smile would resemble Claude’s or hers. That was their child—the child whom she had casually killed in the past.
She swallowed the lump in her throat.
‘Claude, I’m going to lose you forever.’
They had already experienced a future together. Claude rebelled to break Sierra’s engagement with the first prince, and in the process the Duchy of Elberg was destroyed. Sierra joined hands with the rebels just to relieve her feelings, not knowing if it was for revenge.
‘I don’t want to see a future like that again.’
Sierra didn’t know if she loved Claude or not. Thinking about it, she realised that it was just the attraction between them growing too deep. She also knew that they had to part ways to prevent the past from happening again. So, Sierra knew she had to leave without leaving a single trace behind.
“I once believed you were mine, Claude…”
She whispered as she kissed the sleeping Claude’s lips. She recalled the past.
“Forget me and be happy.”
She never thought that she’d get to say the same words he had told her, back to him. With a faint smile on her face, she stood up slowly. It was time to cut off all ties and leave immediately.
After that night, Princess Elberg, the first prince’s fiancee and the shining jewel of the Empire, disappeared.
And eight years later.