“This time will be different.”
Thats what I thought every time I opened my eyes.
As if the hourglass turned upside down, the time went back and I had the chance to undo the mistakes I did.
And at the beginning of every loop I told myself that, “This time I’m sure I will lead a different life” Just like a spell
How arrogant of me that was.
This time, unlike the last times I truly believed that you would choose me and tried hard.
I realised the reality only after going back 5 times.
I’ve been a hopeless human being since the beginning
The existence of a substitute could never surpass the ‘real’ in the first place.
All my efforts were in vain no matter how hard I tried
“…..Ugh”
There was an empty hole on my mouth because I didn’t have a teeth where there was supposed to be one.
I put my finger where my lower teeth was and bit it with all my might. One or two bites couldn’t produce blood as much as I wanted, so I bit my finger several times as if i was peeling off the skin.
I would have preferred to cut my finger off, because then it would bleed a lot.
My tongue that was cut off made a groan come out. It was a groan similar to that of a beast.
That bizarre sound I heard came out every time I bit my finger.
For a body that was supposed to be covered in pain, I couldn’t feel anything.
If the guards outside the bar heard the sound and noticed the strangeness, I would be left with no hands to make sure i didn’t do anything
I felt the taste of blood spread through my mouth.
After i spitted it out in a hurry, I started trying to draw a pattern with a shaky hands despite not being able to see.
Its not too late yet.
Everything had to be reversed.
As if it never happened.
One more time.
As soon as the bleeding stopped i bit my finger again.
When my finger became so tattered that i couldn’t use it I started biting my other fingers one by one.
I was even starting to bite my arm off.
It would have been a lot easier if there was a sharp tool around, but i was in a trapped position.
There couldn’t have been any weapons in the hand of a prisoner who was just waiting for the day to be executed.
It took a lot of time to reach this point.
The start was always the same.
The one and only companion of the emperor, the God and Dragon of this empire, died, and the Emperor who lost his companion went mad
In front of him who was insane I had to act as if I was the dead to quell his madness.
Although I didn’t know at the time, a lot of people were using me for their different interests and position.
The one thing they all had in common was that no one except for my adopted mother believed in me.
In the end i was pretending to be a dead man. Because of that people thought I wouldn’t last long
Some had given up, some didn’t care enough to know, and some wished for my death
With that many expectations I was able to stand by his side as a substitute for the companion
Until the real one showed up.
My first life was ignorant.
I was blinded by love even though he didn’t even see me as myself
In the end the dead was dead.
I had no hesitations when receiving love in her place. But the real companion came back and my life was ruined.
The second life I wanted him to know ‘me’.
I tried showing him my true self and not a fake companion one.
And that day was our first and last meeting.
All he wanted was a substitute for the dead and not the real me.
In the third life I thought I couldn’t get his love because I was worthless.
So I tried hard to become a better person by following the real companion.
I learned a lot and tried to be a handful for him.
But he never looked at me.
The fourth life was the same as the third.
I thought I was back because I was once again not good enough so I tried even harder.
But no matter what talent I had my life was always over once the real one came back.
And when it came to the 5th time I resented the real thing that came back to life.
I couldn’t help but wonder if she would be happier if she hadn’t come back
But no matter what I did, she always came back, and my life was over.
I resented her, blamed her, and used all sorts of tricks.
As a result the end of this life was worse than the rest.
As if I was a earthworm squirming to stay alive, it was a harsh end.
My fingernails were pulled out.
The long nails that had scratched her on the cheek.
My tongue was cut off.
The tongue that got in the way of the two.
I lost my eyes.
It was an eye aimed towards her.
My back was filled with countless whip marks.
My body was carrying sin.
I strangled myself to do what hadn’t been done.
Everyone in the world called me evil and pointed their fingers against me.
With so many sins on my hand, I was locked up in a dungeon as if buried alive. Waiting for an execution date.
Nobody searched for me.
Everyone wanted me dead.
It was the most disastrous end.
After five tries like that I realised.
No matter what I do, he wont look at me.
My fingers that were busy stopped.
The patterns they were writing unconsciously was done, and despite not being able to see I already knew what they said.
“Its going to be different next time.”
I wont hang onto him anymore.
With that I traced the red marks and soon my whole body fell weak and my mind started getting blurry.
Like my past lives I felt as if someone was holding my hand.
That was my final thought as I let out my last breath