Living was no fun.
I sometimes wonder how it happened, but I knew the answer. It would be accurate to call it a process rather than a reason.
It’s hard to believe but I remember when I was born into the world.
For a brief moment only, and it was near-blank cognitive recognition, but it was imprinted inside me with the most amazing clarity.
When my vision was black and only the senses of touch and hearing were alive, I was embraced by something cold and hard, and I listened to words I didn’t know the meaning to.
Everything around was bustling, and the cold words were the only thing I heard.
It was only later that I found out what it meant.
“Not a girl, it has to be a boy.”
I turned desperate the moment I understood what those words meant.
The single line, which determined the value of my existence in my family.
A bonus. Clearly, a very unnecessary bonus. Uncomfortable to have, but not something you could hand over to someone else.
My mother, who was weak, died right after giving birth to me. It was my mother’s arm which I had felt, the cold and hard ones. There wasn’t a single point of warmth in her arms which were already out of energy and body out of breath.
On the very day my mother had died, the Count had brought in a new lady. As if he had waited for my mother to die – as if everything had been planned.
Worse than bringing in a new woman, was that she was the step-sister of my mother.
The woman who used to be my aunt, was a long time lover of my father, and now my step-mother. At the same time, a step-sister to me, three years older, had entered the home along with her.
Thanks to my father’s amazing fatherhood, the step-sister soon turned into the heir of the family.
Unlike my mother, who was the daughter of a lady, my step-mother was the child of a second-wife, a concubine. That was because of her grandmother who had passed away, my stepmother’s mother couldn’t rise to the position of the lady of the house despite the vacancy, contrary to her husband and the other people around her.
So, when it came to high ranking noble families who were faithful to such a hierarchical system more than anyone else, I was closer to being the successor than the child of my stepmother.
But my father was the one who blocked it.
I turned from a girl to a boy, and I was disqualified from becoming the next head of the family.
Ours was a funny family – the gender of the heir had been predetermined, so the 36th head of the family had to be a woman. And for that reason alone, I could not be a girl for my family.
If I had revealed the truth, I might have gotten support from the elders in the family, but it was clear that once that happened it would be a cat and mouse game. At some point, I realized that I wasn’t particularly interested in being the head of the family.
I grew up as a man. An unnecessary presence in the house, and to those who knew of my true gender, I was their source of anxiety and hindrance. No one around me was on my side and my family were strangers.
Thanks to the power of my noble family, most of the high-ranking nobles around me had grown to despise me. Not a single person had the slightest interest me and I was deemed to be incompetent with no benefit or ability.
There were a few who approached me with faint sympathy. Soon after, they went for my sister and turned their backs on me. I was a sitting doll at any place.
This didn’t mean that there were no people around me. Because of my handsome appearance as a man, I was quite popular with women.
I had to go along with it and live with it as I was hiding my real gender.
At least, during that time I really wanted to live my life. Because I had a goal above everything that was happening around – a goal that was precious.
It never bothered me outright, but my stepmother, perhaps because of her inferiority complex, would show off a happy face once she pushed me into trouble.
And my sister. There were times when I hated fate as I saw her smile and enjoy her life where I couldn’t understand why I was being placed below her. I was naïve then, unlike now, and I was young and desperate for love in my childhood.
And as sad as it was, I begged for any attention that could be given. I wanted to be recognized by my family even if that meant working hard, but despite being desperate, the results I wanted never came. Maybe it was due to my luck that I wasn’t the heir of the house. I was someone who was below average in everything except for simple memorization and clerical work.
It took me quite some time to admit that fact, and then I started to learn and give up my regrets.
At some point I suddenly turned into a boring human drenched in helplessness.
It would have been better if I had a crooked body or had serious accidents. Or maybe I should have turned into a Casanova with my looks, or a con artist in the alley.
But right now, my life is boring.
Tired and more tired, lonely and boring. I just… I just wanted to rest.
Not long ago, my father gave me a letter of recommendation after I failed the Knights exam.
Looking at the letter, it had the words “Overseas Order” engraved in large letters, I had the thought that I was finally being kicked out of the house. I always knew that such a day would come one day, and I imagined if I would be sad at it, but what the hell. What I felt was beyond my imagination. I felt good.
And then I realized.
Now was the time.
Now I want all the boring stuff in life to end. It seemed like that could be done.
But those feelings didn’t last long.
“It gives me a bad feeling.”
The only keepsake of my mother.
I accidentally took out the keepsake of my mother which was always kept hidden in my clothes, and my stepmother didn’t miss a moment to snatch it away.
A silver necklace with a round pendant, studded with a blue gem in the middle, which had burned in the flames that day.
I tried to walk out of the house without regrets.
However, with what had happened, there was something I decided to do. As I packed my things and left the mansion, I held one of the precious things of my stepmother in my hand. It was a ring with a gemstone – something which couldn’t be broken.
No matter how useless of a child I was, they were generously feeding me, sleeping and dressing me, and I was grateful for that. and because of that, I only did this.
A small timid anger for a lonely person like me.
Not knowing what this anger might bring me, I left the house.
On the way, I found an inn which was perfect for me, a place I researched beforehand.
As expected, it was a rare place. After paying the deposit of two months, I left a message saying that no one should enter my room until the last day of stay.
As soon as I entered the room, I ended up throwing the ring on the floor.
And… with feelings rushing in, I stopped on it.
It reminded me of my deceased mother, hunger for affection as a child and my stepmother destroying my mothers keepsake. As soon as I stepped on it, I was too engrossed in thoughts.
When I woke up with sweat on my forehead, I looked at the shattered red fragments again which were of the gemstone on the ring which is supposed to be the hardest. I guess they were all just rumors.
Now, I can go without regrets.
The sound of an angel’s trumpet sounded from somewhere.
After that, I took out the tanned silver necklace and hung it around my neck. After I tidied my clothes, I lay on the bed.
I hope for the world, my world, to end like this…