Chapter 58 | Yet
* * *
Once Lexus was gone, Goldie walked away from his food, leaning his head on Valentia’s leg. Even then, his eyes were pinned on her stomach.
Again, Valentia wrapped her arms around her belly, and somehow, she felt that same warmth from before.
[Valentia] ‘Thank you. You are the only one who loves this child and worries for them.’
Even she herself could not find it in her to fully celebrate in this new life. With a sudden thought, Valentia stroked Goldie’s head as she looked down at him.
His big, black eyes were filled with so much love and belief. It was a gaze that looked upon her as though she were perfection, a look no one else had ever given her.
[Valentia] ‘Goldie.’
[Goldie] ‘Woof!’
[Valentia] ‘I’m going to be leaving soon.’
Goldie slumped his head, as though he were asking where she would be leaving for. A small smile curved at the edges of her mouth, but it was only for a little bit.
[Valentia] ‘You’ll be fine without me.’
Like he wanted to show her how much that wasn’t true, Goldie shook his entire body.
[Valentia] ‘No?’
[Goldie] ‘Woof, woof!’
[Valentia] ‘I wonder what will happen to you once I’m gone.’
With full knowledge of the truth, the reality was that Lexus took in Goldie as a means of reeling in Valentia. All for the sake of breaking down the Iron Maiden herself, getting her to reveal her truest depths that no one had ever seen, and use it to make a mockery of her.
All so he could win some bet.
And now that he’d achieved that goal, he wouldn’t have any use for this dog any more. She couldn’t say for certainty that he wouldn’t be abandoned like she had.
No, actually, he wouldn’t be abandoned. He’d be forgotten, left all by his lonesome in some dark corner of the Prince’s palace.
If that’s how it was going to be, then….
[Valentia] ‘Would you like to come with me?’
[Goldie] ‘Bark!’
[Valentia] ‘Your life will become more difficult than it is now.’
[Goldie] ‘Woof!’
Was it selfish of her to take that to mean he was okay with that? Maybe this was just her way of trying to find an excuse to take this dog with her because she was too afraid of leaving by herself.
Valentia’s hand slowed, and the hesitation in her movements didn’t escape Goldie’s notice and he started wildly rubbing his head on her hand. His fur was so soft, and Valentia decided to trust in the kindness she felt on her palm.
[Valentia] ‘Let’s go together.’
She was never able to take full responsibility for him or even love him properly. But this time? She would take care of him this time.
[Goldie] ‘Bark, bark!’
Goldie barked with joy at her offer. And it was as she was smiling at him that Valentia suddenly realized something.
It wouldn’t be just the two of them.
[Valentia] ‘Actually, it will be the three of us, won’t it?’
This was a very curious thing.
This baby had brought nothing but pain to her, and she would have to leave behind so many of the things she’d worked hard for because of them. And yet, at the same time, thanks to them, she would never be alone again.
And something like that made her very sad to think.
* * *
It took Lexus a while to come back, and that same odd feeling crossed her chest—the strangeness of the world returning to color and beauty simply because he had returned. Her surroundings, once soaked in a sepia tone, had come back to vibrancy.
[Lexus] ‘Sorry for leaving so suddenly in the middle of our meal.’
He apologized the moment he sat down.
[Valentia] ‘It’s alright. I finished eating.’
[Lexus] ‘Then, should I have them bring out dessert?’
[Valentia] “Yes.’
[Lexus] ‘The weather hasn’t turned cold yet, so I had some ice cream prepared.’
Their dessert was a simple one following their meal; made of cold ice cream and some light and airy cookies. A few bonus pieces of dried jerky were given to Goldie as a treat.
[Valentia] ‘Was your business important?’
[Lexus] ‘Just a little bit.’
He smiled, but he didn’t give her any further answers. Maybe it was her imagination coupled with her busy mind, but she was getting the strong feeling that she shouldn’t ask any more questions. Or maybe blaming it on her own mind wouldn’t be a good way of putting it.
[Valentia] ‘Lexus. Is it alright if I keep Goldie with me for a while?’
[Goldie] ‘Bark!’
Goldie barked like he was responding to his name.
Lexus looked down at Goldie, who had already completely eaten his dried jerky, then turned back to Valentia.
[Lexus] ‘Goldie?’
[Valentia] ‘Yes.’
[Lexus] ‘Why the sudden need?’
Naturally, he was curious since she had never once in the past expressed a desire to even seek out Goldie herself and take him out for a walk, much less take him with her.
[Valentia] ‘As you said, Lexus, I’m his owner, but I think I’ve been acting too indifferently up until now. Would it be possible?’
[Lexus] ‘Well, you’re his owner so of course it’s possible, but…..’
[Valentia] ‘But?’
[Lexus] ‘I’m afraid you might have your hands full dealing with this troublemaker.’
[Valentia] ‘He’s a good boy.’
[Lexus] ‘Only in front of you, Valentia. He usually never listens. He scratched up all the furniture and I swear, he has a feral appetite. He’ll be a lot to take care of.’
[Valentia] ‘Is that so? But when you tell him to wait before he eats, he waits. He’s a good little puppy.’
[Lexus] ‘What do you mean, little puppy? He’s a proper dog now. Look at the size of him. He’s all grown up, but he still barks however he wants. A noisy dog is a bad dog, you know?’
[Valentia] ‘Noisy?’
[Goldie] ‘Bark, bark!’
As if he were getting irritated with how much gossip Lexus was spilling about him, Goldie let out several indignant barks.
[Lexus] ‘Would you look at that—Now he’s getting all mad at me for talking bad about him.’
[Goldie] ‘Ruff.’
Getting frustrated, Goldie buried his face in Valentia’s lap, and she held him with her arms, gently giving his head little pats, one right after the other.
[Valentia] ‘Goldie is a good boy.’
[Goldie] ‘Ruff.’
[Valentia] ‘You’ll listen to me well, won’t you, Goldie?’
[Goldie] ‘Ruff.’
[Lexus] ‘…..If that’s how it’s going to be, then it can’t be helped. How long are you looking to keep him?’
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[Valentia] ‘At least until graduation.’
[Lexus] ‘Fine, then. But you can’t go out on walks with just the two of you and leave me out, alright?’
Again with those inexplicably lovely words. Such a sweet and easily understood sentiment, one saying he didn’t like the idea of the two of them going off and having fun on their own.
Sometimes it was still so hard to believe that underneath all this loveliness and kindness was a swamp of lies and manipulation.
Valentia stared at him with brand new eyes as a light breeze blew through, moving past the bright sunshine that surrounded them.
A white canopy to protect them from the sunlight, a garden filled with pink lilies, and the handsome man sitting in front of her with a brilliant smile on his face made her feel such conflicting emotions. She felt so much hatred and rage, but at the same time, she still felt so much love.
And that’s when an impulse took Valentia.
[Valentia] ‘Lexus……’
[Lexus] ‘Yes?’
[Valentia] ‘Should we just stop this now?’
The cold ice cream she’d been eating melted in her mouth, flowing down her throat and into her stomach, feeling scorchingly hot. Right then, another breeze blew past them, but then all quieted, and it felt like the world had come to a complete still.
[Lexus] ‘What? Stop what?’
Stewing in that silence, Lexus asked in a soft voice.
[Lexus] ‘Are you tired? Should we go now?’
[Valentia] ‘No, I don’t mean it like that. It’s going to be graduation soon. For how long did you plan on us continuing to see each other?’
[Lexus] ‘Was I supposed to set a deadline? Are you trying to tell me we should call it quits when we graduate? What gave you that idea?’
[Valentia] ‘By then, we’ll both have things we need to do…..’
Besides, wasn’t it all just a joke anyway? Valentia wanted to say that, but she chose not to. Just a silly little bet that he made with his friends. Was he arguing right now because he was planning on maintaining it until after graduation, too?
[Lexus] ‘Why are you suddenly bringing this up? Did I make a mistake?’
[Valentia] ‘It’s not like that.’
The conditions he’d set with his friends were already over.
Maybe they found this whole thing to be so funny, stringing her along while thinking she knew nothing, that they concocted a second bet, perhaps?
It was painful remembering how she’d felt reassured and elated by the kindness he’d shown her, and that now she was being given no choice but to accept it all as a lie and doubt everything else. It was agonizing, feeling both love and hatred for a single person like this.
[Lexus] ‘If I made a mistake, then just tell me. Or maybe you don’t like me anymore?’
[Valentia] ‘That’s not it.’
[Lexus] ‘Well, I don’t want to stop yet.’
Yet.
The key word in his phrasing being, yet.
Should she be happy or saddened by the remark that he didn’t wish to end things straight away? After all, the word ‘yet’ promised that even if the end did not come today, it would come eventually.
But Valentia could not tell if his unwillingness to end things was because he held even the slightest bit of a heart for her, or because his game had not yet come to an end.
She would hope it was the former, but in her deepest depths, she knew it was the latter.
If Valentia had already decided to give up this baby, perhaps she might’ve waited until then to find out, but she didn’t have that kind of time. She needed to finish things now, even though she wished she didn’t have to either.
This method of ending things was both decisive and gentle, and it did not require his permission.
[Goldie] “Ruff.”
Returning home from the paper shop, she entered the room, and Goldie let out a soft little woof—pulling her from her thoughts of the past.
[Valentia] “Have you been staying quiet, Goldie?”
[Goldie] “Woof.”
[Valentia] “Yes, you’re a good boy.”
Goldie stood up and ran around as best he could. Though he was stuck in such a small room for the time being, he stayed calm and only ever acted cheerful.
When she brought Goldie back to the barony, they tried to kick him out, but the Baroness quickly understood things when she said it was the Prince’s dog, so she endured it.
[Valentia] “I’m going to write this letter now, Goldie. Please, be quiet.”
[Goldie] “Ruff.”
Valentia pulled out the chair in front of her desk, and once she was seated, Goldie sat at her feet and put his head on her lap. She pet his head as she pulled out the parchment she had bought just for this occasion. She set it down across the desk, weighing it down with a paper weight and added ink to her pen tip.
But her hand didn’t move.
She knew what she needed to write, but she did not know how to write it.
So much time was passing, but she couldn’t write a single word, and it didn’t take her long to realize that she was struggling so much because she didn’t want to write this letter at all.
If I do this, all I need to do is deliver it and it will all be over.
I have to do this.
Valentia took her pen to the parchment, forcing her hand to move.
—Lexus.
And the second she wrote out his name, her vision started to get blurry. She couldn’t even see that the ink was starting to spread from the droplets because of the tears that started to well up in her eyes in an instant.
One blink, and all her tears started to flow down her cheeks.
No. They weren’t close enough to call each other like that anymore.
All she could write was his name because her mind couldn’t find anything else. And she could not understand why her heart felt like it was collapsing in on itself when all she had done was write a few letters down. She really thought she’d be okay doing this, too.
But she was lucky she bought several sheets of paper just in case. Valentia crumpled up the ruined and wet parchment and tossed it to the side, starting on a new letter.
—Your Highness, Imperial Prince.
That was his official title.
She never had a difficult time writing in the past, but now, every letter felt so hard. No matter how impersonal she made it, everything contained too many feelings.
She was filled with so much love and so much hate, but she didn’t want him to think that she truly loved him. She wanted to make it look like she was playing with him too, just like he’d been toying with her.
Valentia wrote letter after letter, tossing aside every failed attempt.
But in the end, the last one she was left with contained only four lines.
If she added any more, she would have no choice but to pour out her true feelings to him.
[Valentia] “……Lexus.”
Her voice trembled as she called out his name.
Saying the name of the man she loved so dearly made the pain and sadness swell up inside of her. She didn’t have much time left, and the chances she would have to call this name again were growing dim.
[Goldie] “Woof.”
Goldie wanted to comfort her, so he reached out his head, carefully licking her tearstained cheek.
[Valentia] “Are you trying to make me feel better?”
Valentia tried to force a smile, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
She knew it would end someday, but never in her wildest dreams did she imagine it crumbling to pieces like this. Her happy memories, ones she thought she’d be able to take with her, were only stained with lies now, and she didn’t know what to do when she never expected it.
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And yet, she could not stop loving him.
Holding tightly onto the only things she had left, Valentia let out her breath and cried.
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astralmech t/c: *chanting* Pain, pain, pain, pain! Also I’m going to be putting chapter song recommendations at the end of these now because I’m a sappy lady and I love this novel. Expect a lot of lyrically relevant songs, mostly EN and JP, hehe.
「章の唄おすすめ: “Grace Note” by aimer 」