Paranoid Love Affair
Episode 46
Last year, in January, I went on a trip to Japan for 4 days and 3 nights with friends to celebrate their college acceptance.
I went there on the pretext of wanting to see the snowy winter scenery, but the purpose of the trip changed to shopping in the middle.
Ji-eun walked around a little kid while looking at food shops, and she thought it would be nice to have a drink with a different snack, but she kept getting tired of her friends who only went to the shopping mall.
Clothes, accessories, mugs, plates… … .
They looked at things she had no interest in.
The next time onwards, Ji-eun thought that she should come with a friend who has a similar personality, and she just wanted to go back to her dorm soon, but… … .
That was until she discovered the Eastern Guri Republic.
Ji-eun’s eyes widened when she discovered the Republic of Donguri in a shopping center.
Donguri Republic is an official store that sells Ghibli animated series character goods.
All the things she liked were gathered there.
A soot fairy doll that moves in response to sound, when activated, the BGM of Laputa, the castle in the sky, comes out, and the music box where the giants of Laputa move… … . [ BGM: Background music ]
‘Ji-eun-ah. Ji-eun?’
‘…I’m enjoying this, you see. I’ll stay here a little longer.’
‘You don’t want to go around anymore? But, you can get lost easily if you go separately… … .’
‘It’s okay. I will just stay here.’
‘Are you going to stay? Only here?’
‘Hmm.’
‘But… that’s a bit… Aren’t there so many places like that to see here (Shopping Mall)?’
‘I’m okay. I’ll just take a look around this store.’
‘Uh…’
Her friends moved away from her with a trembling and apologetic expression, but they waited for Ji-eun every time they visited the shops.
Ji-eun has a limited budget to buy things, and she also thinks that she will never have another chance to come back, so she was contemplating what to put in her shopping cart.
In fact, what I wanted the most was a music box, and the price was very high to match its splendid appearance.
While I stared at it for a long time in contemplation, a wealthy-looking Chinese tourist took the music box without hesitation.
I was frustrated, but my hesitation quickly disappeared since the most burdensome option disappeared.
So, I put dolls, puzzle frames, keychains, postcards, cell phone cases and slippers, all possible things within my budget allowed in my shopping cart.
However, most of such souvenirs that I bought were buried deep in the desk drawer, unopened when I reached home.
It is because I did not want the value to be damaged due to scratches but it was cumbersome to periodically clean the accumulated dust after decorating it.
After the excitement of my trip subsided, I even regretted spending so much money.
But now I am rather happy.
Because the packaging was not opened, the souvenirs had not yet lost their value as gifts.
The problem was that there were too many gifts in the drawer.
Class starts at 9 o’clock, and I wake up at 8 o’clock and haven’t even washed yet.
There was no time to carefully choose a gift.
I couldn’t give Yoon-woo a souvenir that was randomly chosen.
Because the earrings Yoon-woo gave to me were not like that.
It was something more than luxurious ornaments and even affirmed the meaning that I am the person as I am.
So, if possible, I wanted to give Yoon-woo something like that; I wanted to say something that affirmed Yoon-woo as he is.
I also wanted to see Yoon-woo, who lives with confidence and smiles often.
And if possible, I thought it would be good if I was next to Yoon-woo who smiled like that.
But unfortunately there was no time.
This morning may be the last…
If Hye-rim and Yoon-woo get to know each other and date, I won’t be able to give presents anymore…
So before that, it would be nice if I could give something to repay Yoon-woo’s sincerity…
Ji-eun, in a hurry, turned the drawer over and overturned it.
The mess will be taken care of by my future self.
Checking what I could get my hands on, I threw anything I thought was bad on the bed.
However, unexpectedly, it didn’t take a long time to decide on the gift.
Come to think of it, the first time I met Yoon-woo at a drinking party, I remembered that Yoon-woo’s favorite Ghibli movie was called Kiki’s Delivery Service.
‘The process in which Kiki is recognized… … . Even if it’s not a witch, a person named Kiki herself… … .’
Kiki is not loved because she is a witch.
People love Kiki regardless of whether she is a witch or not.
The other person’s occupation, appearance, property, ability…
Not the fragmented part, but the whole person…
Those were the words I wanted to convey to Yoon-woo.
Of course, I am not projecting the ideal of love like a boyfriend in a drama to Yoon-woo.
I don’t want to take Yoon-woo away from Hye-rim as a solution to my own secret inferiority complex.
I’m a grown woman and I don’t want to go around bragging about my ability to get a boyfriend like this either.
It’s okay for Yoon-woo to go nowhere and stay at home.
It’s okay if Yoon-woo is poor.
It’s okay if Yoon-woo is white.
He may also be in debt.
No matter what Yoon-woo looks like, no matter what difficulties he has, I can accept him.
I just wished I could just stay by his side.
What should I do to understand Yoon-woo’s heart?
I don’t seem to know what to do.
However, there was something that came to Ji-eun’s mind as a gift that could express her feelings.
It was 8:30 by the time she got it.
“Hey… This class is crazy.”
“Isn’t it?”
After the first period of class, Ji-eun said to Yoon-woo.
In fact, this was the first time she had been to classical economics class.
She couldn’t come to class last week because she was busy choosing clothes to meet Yoon-woo.
Come to think of it, she was relaxed even back then.
She was leisurely choosing clothes…
At that time, she did not know that her heart would go crazy within a few days.
She didn’t know that Yoon-woo and Hye-rim would be dating soon or not, and she was suffering from anxiety over the fact that they would be separated from her when they date.
Before the start of the first period, Ji-eun barely arrived at the classroom.
Yoon-woo’s gift was decided sooner than expected, but I spent a lot of time washing and changing clothes.
It was 8:56 when I arrived in the classroom, so there was no time to give Yoon-woo a present.
But it wasn’t much of a problem.
This is because the class is conducted continuously during the second period, so a 15-minute break is given from 10:15, and the class continues until 11:45.
So Ji-eun waits for the break, and pays attention to the class, thinking that she is going to catch up for a little bit…
But, she couldn’t quite understand what the professor had talked about.
“Hey, does that ppt have any meaning? If we make a ppt like that in another class and present it, it will be scorched right away. And, the grade won’t even take a second, that’ll be D.”
Lines should not be lined up without space in ppt. [ PPT: Powerpoint ]
It is good to write only the main points briefly in order to help the understanding of what will be explained verbally.
But who dares to vomit (criticise) on a ppt created by a professor for an undergraduate subject?
Anyway, the ppt of this class was very spectacular.
Perhaps the professor just copied some classic material and pasted it as it is without editing.
It looked like the material had not been processed other than copy and paste.
It was long data without even a single line break, let alone for a summary.
Why doesn’t he put a little bit of space between lines…
If Yoon-woo had not been able to see the contents of the ppt in printed version, he would not have been able to read it because he could not see the letters clearly.
In fact, it was difficult to read even when I looked at the printed version.
It was because the complicated Chinese characters I saw for the first time were engraved on them without showing how to read them in Korean.
The requirement to take the Chinese Character Proficiency Test Level 2 in the graduation requirements has long been abolished.
Ji-eun knew well what kind of class this was.
And, it wouldn’t be any different for other people.
In the end, it is a class where you have no choice but to copy and follow what the professor says.
As a proof of that, most of the students brought their laptops and followed closely what the professor was saying.
If not, some lazy students were doing other things with their cell phones or were distracted.
If there was an exception, it was Yoon-woo.
“Yoon-woo… … . How the hell are you writing this? Isn’t it a bit strange of you to even understand what the professor is saying? I can’t even understand… … .”
For some reason, the classical economics professor had a habit of trying to say a very long sentence at once without a break.
But then he got out of breath and his voice got smaller and smaller, and his pronunciation was muffled, so I couldn’t understand what was being said along the way.
I think it will be more comfortable for him and his students if he takes a breath while speaking.
“Once you get used to it, it has its own flow, so you can roughly understand what it means.”
“Is there even a flow in this class? I guess you’re just talking and answering in your stream of consciousness? You mentioned earlier when you were in college, you even did questions and answers with student ID and credit card? That sounds good.”
“There is a real flow…Doesn’t Gogopas have a genealogy for this class? Choose 3 out of 6 essay questions and answer them…The problem changes every year, but the content of the class is the same, so if you listen to the professor’s question while thinking that you are creating an answer to that question, you can understand what that professor is trying to say.”
“Wow… I…If this is such a class, I have no answer…”
“It’s okay. Haven’t I just organized them all by topic? So, you can write the answer just by memorizing it…You can even just read them casually and take the exam. It’s a class with a lot of unimportant parts, so if you summarize the main points, surprisingly, there are only a few pages on A4 paper.”
“…Would it be okay if you just give it to me? Didn’t you just go through this crazy class and put it together so painstakingly?”
“Won’t I have to give it to you? Didn’t noona buy me lamb skewers before?”
“I don’t think this is going to work…Even if you sell the prepared ones, wouldn’t you eat the lamb skewers twice?”
“No, it’s okay. Noona always cared about this and that.”
“…Where did I?”
“Just in many ways…”
“Many ways…what? But, I guess I haven’t really done anything…”
“What?… There’s… . I got drunk at noona’s house… … .”
“Is that something so wrong? To be honest, I think I did something more wrong…Besides, just two days ago, I was incomparable to that. I could even win an actress award…”
“It didn’t matter that much. it’s okay.”
“It’s not a big deal, but you didn’t even sleep enough… Ah, I’m a senior and I haven’t done anything beneficial to you…It just pains me.”
“No, you did a lot of things.”
“What is it? Anything else other than drinking and talking about something?”
“Didn’t you even buy me chicken and take me to a movie?”
“It’s nothing…You bought the Oreo shake too, right? Even just this handwriting will offset it and overflow it, won’t it? Besides, the earrings… To tell you the truth…Ah…”
“Sharing notes is something I am doing with you willingly. I’m organizing the notes by myself anyway. And, earrings are an apology for my mistakes… What noona did while drinking was really nothing.”
“That is…No, it wouldn’t be…”
“And besides that…You keep hanging out with me like this. And, you talk well to girls like Sae-byeol…”
“Uh? Hey, that’s…”
“Uh? The professor is coming.”
“what? Isn’t 15 minutes over yet?”
“Sometimes, the professor just starts before the break ends and starts talking if he thinks the students are sitting around and chatting when he comes in after smoking.”
“What? That’s crazy…”
“So, it ends a little earlier.”
“Uh…”
It’s a class I don’t really like.
I was talking with Yoon-woo, but the professor came in quickly, so I couldn’t even give Yoon-woo what I had prepared.
Yoon-woo’s words…
It was really weird.
He was overly grateful and apologetic for what he had received from others, but he seemed to think of the value of what he had given to others like dust.
If I hadn’t seen Yoon-woo intoxicated from drinking before, I might have thought he was just too modest.
However, in the truth of Yoon-woo that I grasped, he really seemed to think that way.
So, does he think that I am doing him a favor by getting along with him?
That’s absolutely not…
It’s because I like being with him…
I don’t know what made Yoon-woo say that.
Is his family in trouble? But he stays alone.
And as she knows…So is Hyerim.
Even if there were problems in the family, many people would surely like Yoon-woo if it was Yoon-woo’s appearance and personality.
But if he lives like that…
If humans are compared to functions, the number and degree of the terms will all be different.
So, even if the same experience is input as a variable, there is no guarantee that the same value will come as an output.
That’s why you can’t set your own standards based on others.
If so, what’s wrong with Yoon-woo? Is he a function that only extracts negative numbers no matter what variable is input?
It is absurd to assume that no positive variables have been input in Yoon-woo’s life.
That’s unlikely.
The problem is highly likely to be him, himself.
If you think about it, what Yoon-woo said about Sae-byeol, who flirts with him at a drinking party, was also a surprise.
Sae-byeol really wants to take Yoon-woo and play with him, but Yoon-woo is timid to Sae-byeol’s actions, judging her with the thoughts from his twisted thought circuit.
If that is the case, maybe Yoon-woo is also seeing me from that perspective.
Both the meaning of my actions and his intentions were distorted to his own will…
That’s not okay.
If Yoon-woo likes Hye-rim, I can accept it is inevitable.
But as Hye-rim said, what would he do with people’s hearts if he thinks like that?
So, even if he can’t accept my feelings, I hope he can understand and acknowledge my feelings no matter how sad and pitiful they are.
And, I hope that my feelings will be respected as it is.
However, if Yoon-woo twists that at will, repaints it at will, and accepts it as something ugly and hypocritical, then he will reject me without even knowing the person named Ji-eun properly.
Even Yoon-woo may not want to meet me anymore.
Even if we eat together, take classes together, and walk the streets together, the me that Yoon-woo meets is not a me that actually exists in this world, but a monster in the shape of a me that has been transformed through his perspective…
Does Yoon-woo know how cruel his thoughts are?
Maybe Yoon-woo has never looked at me as me!
Thinking about that made my stomach churn.
So, Ji-eun grabbed Yoon-woo before he was about to get up after class.
“Yoon-woo, sit down for a second.”
“Uh? Why?”
“Just a minute…I missed some points…”
“What? What do you want to ask me about the lecture?”
“Huh.”
It was a lie. I didn’t even listen to class.
The sound of people pushing their chairs roughly was loud; people were closing their laptops and standing up in a hurry.
Whether it was because they had lunch plans or because they wanted to go home as soon as possible, people quickly left the classroom.
The class ended 8 minutes early, so there was plenty of time to tell Yoon-woo what she wanted before going to Hye-rim’s house.
“So…what is it? For today’s part…Spectators’ economic policy…”
“There, Yoon-woo. Actually, I have something as a gift to give you.”
“Huh? Gift? What gift?”
“This…”
What she took out of the bag was a keychain with a cute black cat, Gigi, on it.
“Uh…It’s cute. But, why?”
“Why, you gave me earrings too even though I drank and I messed up…”
“It’s really…”
“Don’t talk, just take it. I’ll feel comfortable if you receive it well.”
“Okay… thanks.”
“If possible… Aren’t you going to pin it?”
“Uh…But I don’t have a key?”
“It can be worn anywhere as long as you have something like a ring. Can’t you put it on your bag, the end of your bag’s zipper… ”
“Oh yes. Then, I will put it on my bag.”
Yoon-woo listened to Ji-eun and meekly put the keychain on the zipper of the bag.
Seeing the waving black cat, Ji-eun smiled contentedly.
Still, she hadn’t calmed down.
As much as Yoon-woo looks lovely with the key ring she gave as a gift, she also hated the possibility that he might accept even her present by misinterpreting it.
“Hey, Yoon-woo… What I said earlier…”
“What?”
“You say I’m hanging out with you is like me doing a favor to you … If you say it like that, I feel a little embarrassed.”
“Uh… I’m sorry.”
“Do you know why I’m upset and what you’re sorry for?”
“… … .”
Perhaps embarrassed by Ji-eun’s words, Yoon-woo quickly blinked his eyes and bowed his head.
It was as if he was looking for words to say hard as his eyes were moving down.
He looks like a really good kid…
When you look at him like this, he looks really stupid.
“Uhh…So, why do you apologize first if you don’t know what you’re sorry about?”
“I’m sorry… Ah, that’s…”
‘You stupid bastard…’ Ji-eun thought to herself.
Seeing Yoon-woo, who habitually apologized and was embarrassed, Ji-eun felt like a fool trying to be angry with a child.
Like when he was drunk, there were times when Yoon-woo felt much younger than his age.
It’s absurd to yell at a child who doesn’t even know what he’s done wrong.
So Ji-eun quietly stared at Yoon-woo.
“Yoon-woo…I think it’s fun to be with you and I think we’re close, so that’s why we’re together like this…Why do you say I’m doing a favor to you when I get along well with you just because I like it? ”
“That’s… I just said that because Noona thanked me… ”
“Then, thank you too, for getting along with me.”
“Uh? But, I am the one who’s getting along with noona… ”
“Look, isn’t there something strange about you?”
“… … .”
“Just because we get along together, isn’t it weird to say that you did that as a favor? It’s not about providing or receiving services to each other. I mean, we’re close friends. When you say that, it seems like we’re distant and it makes an awkward relationship between us.”
“A close friend…?”
“Aren’t we good friends? Don’t you think so? I am really, really sad.”
“Oh no, I think so too.”
“Huh…Then, I’m glad. So don’t you say anything sad like that now? Understand?”
“Hmm… ”
The story that Ji-eun wanted to tell ended with this, but Yoon-woo did not wake up and thought deeply about something, and then he asked Ji-eun.
“But there is something, noona.”
“Huh?”
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“If it… Had it not been for Hye-rim, would we have been like this? Without Hye-rim… If Hye-rim didn’t invite Noona to the drinking party…”
“Then, of course not. We wouldn’t have gotten to know each other, so maybe we got to know each other somehow later?”
“…I see.”
‘If it wasn’t for Hye-rim… Feeling disgusted with herself for having such thoughts, Ji-eun grabbed her bag and got up from her seat.
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