Chapter 102 – Why Do You Keep On Confusing Me?
“Ngh…!”
Lucio let out a pained groan as he gripped the sheets of his bed. No, no. It felt like a boiling volcano was about to erupt in his heart.
“Augh…!”
This was how his episodes typically started. It bubbled and boiled, never coming out in full force from the start. It was a slow build up. He grimaced as he tore into the pillowcase.
“Please…”
Maybe it was because he watched over Patrizia lying in bed sick for so long, but each time he saw someone he loved or someone he cared about in pain or in a weakened state, he had an episode. Lucio tried to take in oxygen, his breath coming out in short gasps. It was painful enough for him to think that it would be better if he just died—both physically and emotionally.
“AAAAAAAH!”
The opening act was over. The volcano in his heart was unable to hold back anymore. The anger and resentment from ten years ago still lived on to this day. It was still able to feed off of the guilt he felt from the immoral sin of killing his own mother.
In the end, he lost to his illness. He could never win against it. He probably wouldn’t be able to win against it until the day he died— no, even after he died. He will forever be the loser…
Creeaak.
The sound of the door opening hideously echoed throughout the room. Lucio, already in the grasps of his madness, didn’t notice. The person who opened the door stared at Lucio silently before slowly starting to walk towards him. Though the person’s gait was far from poised—as if they were physically ill—the elegance in their voice was unchanged.
“Your Majesty.”
Someone called him. At the familiar voice, he looked behind him. Lucio’s eyes were bloodshot, and self-inflicted scratch marks criss-crossed his body. Patrizia bit her pale lips as she saw his state.
‘Will I never be able to tell between sympathy and love?’
Patrizia walked over unsteadily. All the while, Lucio continued to convulse. I want to stop those cries. I want to stop his pain. That tragic anger and resentment…I want it to disappear. Patrizia continued to think those thoughts as she weakly made her way towards him.
“Your Majesty…”
“Hnn…”
Stay away, he pleaded. This could never be a good sight to see. He didn’t want to show her such an ugly side of him. He would rather die than show this side of him to the person he loved.
And yet he wanted her close. He wanted her to embrace him with those warm hands of hers and console him. If she did, then he would peacefully fall asleep in her arms. He would be liberated from all of the pain and guilt from the past, and his heart would be able to rest.
At the same time, he was sorry that he was even entertaining such thoughts, and he thought that he definitely wouldn’t have been able to do it, even in the past. His heart was a myriad of contradictions. A constant back and forth between his instinctual desire to run away from the pain and his moral compass that insisted he must pay for his sins.
“Please…”
Once she crossed the distance between them, Patrizia extended a hand towards him. Her fingers were trembling. What is the source of that trembling? Her fury aimed at me? Or her shame of having a man like me as her husband? Or…her disgust at me? Does she think I’m a horrible monster? These thoughts only brought more pain to Lucio, and as he thought of himself more horrible than he already did, he rejected her hand. He couldn’t do anything but push the hand extended towards him away.
“No…!” he gritted out.
“Ah…!”
She stumbled back from the force of his rejection, her weak body having no choice but to teether in response. She flushed, embarrassment washing over her face. If she fell, she would severely injure herself from the impact. Realizing this, Lucio’s eyes widened and quickly reached out to catch her.
The two automatically locked eyes. Patrizia looked at Lucio, who seemed like he was about to cry as he apologized.
“Ah…”
He looked like a child who didn’t know what to do.
“I’m…sorry.”
“…”
She stared at him wordlessly. In that moment, rather than thinking, ‘What if she doesn’t accept my apology?’ Lucio thought, ‘I wonder what she thinks of me.’ Soon, she would push him away and lash out at him. Of course, Lucio believed that he deserved to be lashed out at, but at the same time, he wasn’t fond of being on the receiving end of that from her. He really was a selfish bastard.
“…Why do you keep on confusing me?” Patrizia asked as she looked up at him in his arms, wearing his coat. He could smell his scent on her. For some reason, when he was with her, he felt as if he could forgive the resentment and anger that he felt towards himself. Lucio grabbed the hem of the coat that she was wearing as he struggled to find the words to say to her.
“I…”
It was Patrizia who spoke. “I don’t know. I thought there was a difference, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.” Though her voice sounded calm, there was a strange tremor to it. As if she were about to start crying. “Don’t do this in front of me.
“…”
“If you keep doing this in front of the foolish me, then I’ll keep confusing my sympathy for you with love.”
At her words, a foolish joy overswept him. “You…to me…?”
“…Allow me to ask you a single question.” She then spoke in a sad voice. “Why is it so difficult for you?”
“…”
“Why do you insist… on punishing yourself like this?”
“Because I deserve it,” he said.
“You didn’t do it on your own will, Your Majesty,” Patrizia said, tears welling in her eyes and slipping down her face. Lucio only stared at her, not even thinking of wiping away the tears that streaked her cheeks.
Patrizia continued. “It was the will of Queen Alisa. I don’t know if you were completely not at fault, but…”
Another tear dropped.
“Being abused isn’t a sin you’ve committed.”
“…Ngh.”
Lucio clawed at the ground. To Patrizia, it looked like he was fighting back his tears. What a pitiful man, she thought as she continued to cry.
“Your Majesty needs to receive comfort, not criticism.”
“…Haah,” he breathed.
“No one could criticize a young child who did it in order to survive.”
Patrizia truly believed that. At her words, Lucio’s eyes grew more bloodshot than before, and he stared at her. He looked like a person who couldn’t cry even though he so very much wanted to. Without her realizing, Patrizia brought up a hand to his face and cupped his cheek. Another tear fell from her eye.
“You’re quite thin. Were…you always like this?” she asked.
“I don’t deserve your concern,” he said bitterly.
“I know,” she murmured as she grazed her thumb across his face. “I know you don’t deserve it.”
“That’s why I don’t know how to react.”
“It’s not hard. All Your Majesty has to do…is to accept it.” Patrizia stopped caressing his cheek and looked at him. “Because this is the result of a foolish woman who cannot differentiate between love and sympathy.”
“You’re not foolish.”
“I am, Your Majesty.”
Because I vowed to never love you. Patrizia smiled bitterly. If my vow from the past could be this easily destroyed, then I am indeed foolish.
“To me, you’re not. I’ve never met such a bright and intelligent person as you,” Lucio said.
“…”
For you, there’s no one as stupid as me, Patrizia thought to herself.
“…Are you feeling better now?” she asked.
Lucio looked down at himself. “Yeah. I’m…unsightly, aren’t I.”
“…”
Frustration started to build up inside Patrizia. She hated his self-deprecation. Her eyes fell to the injuries he inflicted on himself. She picked up his scratched arm. She could feel his incredulous look on her.
“Pa…” He called her name in shock, but upon seeing her stroke the red streaks across his arm, his surprise slowly died down.
“It must have hurt,” she murmured.
It hurt. A lot. Lucio swallowed the truth as he let out a white lie. “It’s alright.”
“…You say that, even though you really aren’t.” Patrizia couldn’t tear her eyes away from the wounds. “Why must you lie to me?”
“I…” He took in a somewhat pained breath before saying, “…I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For everything.” His eyes looked at her sadly. “All of the things I’ve done to you, all of the scars I’ve given you, I’m so sorry.”
“…”
At those words, Patrizia gently helped him up. In that moment, he felt his heart lurch. He wanted her to stay in his arms forever. He wanted to hold her forever. Thinking those futile thoughts, he looked at her, and she looked at him back. It seemed like an eternity passed before Patrizia spoke.
“Kiss,” she said.
“…”
“May I kiss you?”
“What…?”
He stared at her, completely taken back and mouth agape. Patrizia—without any hesitation—leaned in and pressed her lips against his. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him forward, closing her eyes as she kissed him. The normally sweet kiss tasted salty with tears.
“Ah…”
Lucio let out a small noise of surprise, but seeing Patrizia close her eyes, he soon followed suit. With both a sad and moved expression, he readily returned her kiss, gently biting her upper lip and sucking on it tenderly as his tongue lightly caressed the inside of her mouth…all the while, tears streaming down his face.