Episode 26
Family Ties
“I was in denial at first… Then denial turned into selfblame. I believed I was being discriminated against because I was a bad child.”
My parents always told me about our difficult circumstances. They probably didn’t mean to tell me that on purpose expecting me to solve or deal with them, but at the same time, I believed I had no choice but to take them on.
Because I was poor, I grew up earlier than others. Maybe I didn’t even know at the time if I was looking to be praised or not. Because the more mature I became, the more proud my parents were of me.
So, even when my parents were more generous to my younger brother, I endured it because I thought it would have been easier for my younger brother to do what I asked him to do because of our family circumstances.
Yet finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer with the belief that discrimination was normal because my younger brother was ‘kinder’ to my parents.
Then what is the standard for ‘being kind’?
“There is no child in this world who deserves to be discriminated against. I won’t forgive my parents….. but you know what? Even if you don’t want to forgive, even if you hate it and resent it, I think you can miss it.”
There is one thing I am certain of after repeatedly attempting suicide over and over again. I still love my family. To the extent that the memories of the good things they did to me come to mind first.
“I’m going to meet them again and ask them. Why did you do that?”
Somehow, I felt at ease. After I let go of my troubled and shaking heart, my mind suddenly became clear. looked straight into Anakin’s eyes and smiled as if he was part of my family.
“I’m going back to ask.”
Anakin looked at me and then nodded as if he understood. He became thoughtful, not asking any further questions. We fell into silence again.
It didn’t feel awkward anymore.
By the time we arrived in Rundol, the bright morning sun had already risen. We checked in at the cleanest and nicest accommodation close by.
Because we were dressed in relatively modest attire, and also because no one in the countryside knew Eris’s face, the innkeeper mistook us for the newlyweds. The innkeeper barely stopped trying to push us into a single room.
Since I had been riding a carriage all night, my body was sore. I told Anakin to relax, and then asked the innkeeper to deliver water because I wanted a bath.
Not long after, I heard a knock on the door. When opened the door to let him in, a child half my height came, moaning and carrying a wooden bucket of warm water. Seeing him sweat profusely, I felt sorry for him.
Even in the city where Eris’s mansion was located, water supply facilities were developed, and not only nobles but also wealthy commoners lived with facilities similar to modern bathrooms.
Whether it is in Korea or here, it seems that it’s the same to develop mainly in the capital. I gave the child two silver coins for trouble and asked,
“It’s my first time in Rundol, do you know any attractions?” (T/N: tourist sites)
“Oh, yes, of course! I’ve lived here since I was born, and I know them very well! You know that Rundol is famous for its lake, right? Some people come to see the lake because it’s deeper and more beautiful than the ocean! If you ask the front desk, they’ll lend you a boat!”
Excited, the child continued and explained there’s a night market as well as other interesting sites in the village. I handed another coin to the child, who then left quickly, and locked the door. The hot water had cooled down moderately, so warm water wrapped around me pleasantly.
It’s been a long time since I could bathe by myself. When I was in the mansion, the maids made a fuss and gave me a bath even though I said I’d wanted to bathe alone. To be honest, it was comfortable. They washed my hair, dried it…… I wanted to live like this in Korea if I had money.
My mind was filled with simple thoughts, making me laugh. I bubbled up to wash my body. Wash clean, get dressed, dry my hair, pull the string back and send the child out with the wooden barrel. I fell asleep lying on the bed snuggling into the blanket.
By the time I opened my eyes again, the sun had set. I could see a sliver of light shining through the window. It must be the night market that the child told me earlier.
Hmm……… I quietly called Anakin.
Then I counted to the number three in my mind,
One, two, three.
“Did you call me?”
Yes, I was pleased and smiled as I spoke to Anakin beyond the door.
“I’m going to see the night market. Get ready.”
Since birth, Hubris had been living his life with the need to always hold onto something. The first was his mother’s umbilical cord, then the hem of the priests’ robes, and by the time he realized logic, he had grasped the truth created by God.
The reason why he had no choice but to live holding on to something was because his life was always on the edge of a precipice. A life that can always be saved right before the crash. Hubris’s life was worse than that precipice.
Since his father was never in his life, it was natural for him to believe that there was no such thing as a father. One day, when he realized that all families have a ‘father’, Hubris asked his mother who his ‘father’ is.
His mother slapped him as soon as she heard the question. It was the first time she laid hands on him. His mother seemed more surprised than Hubris that she hit him.
But she didn’t apologize. Instead, she just reminded him over and over to never ask about his father again.
So the first taboo was born.
Hubris occasionally looked in the mirror, trying to find traces of his father, but it was in vain.
Hubris closely resembled his mother, who was an exotic dancer. Dark skin, even darker hair than Eris’s, and lips that were a little thicker than others’.
When they walked out on the street, everyone would recognize Hubris. It came back to haunt him from time to time. No, actually, very often.
Slowly, little by little, his mother started to lose her mind. She was very young when she gave birth to Hubris. Giving up a promising career and life as a dancer after his birth.
While pregnant, she feared that if she was discovered by the marquis, she would lose her child. So she ran away.
Running way was not easy. Her original troupe and employer sent a man to pursue her relentlessly.
To avoid capture, she earned her travel expenses by begging on the bare floor, and finally managed to reach the country temple in full bloom. She prayed that she could live as a temple servant for the rest of her life after giving birth to the child.
Originally, it was not allowed. Because Hubris’s mother was a pagan.
But it was the merciful Divine Matteus who knelt at her feet. He put a veil on her and sprinkled holy water to wash away all her sins. So the mother was able to live as a temple servant.
By giving up a promising future as a dancer, she had to start all over from the beginning again. A person who had learned only singing and dancing. She was clumsy at first when she started to learn how to clean and do laundry.
Delicate hands used to being soft and adored with sparkling accessories gradually became rough and callous. Her youthful and smooth face started to form wrinkles. The brightness of her youth became marred in fatigue and irritability that later shifted to her son, Hubris.
There didn’t need to be a justification for her later actions. Because the only person in the temple who was weaker than her, was Hubris.
She begged Hubris to die. She blamed Hubris as to why her life became like this. Sometimes she didn’t just say she wanted to die, but she actually tried to kill herself.
At first, Hubris was so shocked that he cried his eyes out. He started to have nightmares about his mother’s death, so he stayed up all night to protect her, afraid she would try to take her life again.
At some point, Hubris realized that his mother could control her depression to the extent that was not
suicidal. What she needed was constant attention and affection.
Thirsty for affection, she would constantly throw herself off a cliff for attention. Hubris could not blame his mother for her behavior.
However, he thought that his mother should not have given birth to him.
Why she didn’t give up on him even though she knew this would happen, Hubris still doesn’t know why. Maybe it was because of the timing of entering the temple, maybe she loved his father, or maybe she needed to be loved so much.
But there were many things in the world that affection alone could not solve. Hubris gradually became dulled by his mother’s body and mind withering away.
Hubris begged at the foot of the High Priest Metheus, who was about to leave for the capital, to relieve him of his mother’s burden.
‘Let me leave with you, I want to be a priest.
Hubris had divine power and a talent as a priest. No, it was because he was at the breaking point, that Metheus willingly allowed Hubris to accompany him.
Hubris told his mother that he would be leaving the room and temple where he had lived since he was born.
Thinking about it now, maybe it was because he wanted to run away from his mother. He was tired,
Hubris spent their last night together sleeping by his mother’s side. Hubris’s mother patted the hand of her
grown-up son for a while. When Hubris opened his eyes, he discovered his mother’s cold body.
After the funeral, Hubris sat alone at the end of the dance. He regretted, wishing he had grabbed her just one more time. On the day he was sent out into the world, the whole universe expanded out
Hubris discovered that he liked sweet things that didn’t go well with his appearance. To him, sweets were the only pleasure allowed among the many restrictions of the priesthood. However, because of the gaze of others’ expectations of him, he would always ask for his sweets to be packaged from the bakery and eat at it separately alone.
That day was also such a day. It was a time of waiting in line at a busy bakery and waiting for the joy to come.
As it was a famous bakery, there were many people there that day. Even though the capital is large, due to the crowd, he would be jostled here and there by people rushing to retrieve their wrapped up sweets,
Someone pushed a person in front.
When the staggering lady fell into his arms and she looked up at him, Hubris could not help but doubt his eyes.
At first he thought she was just an illusion. Because it was unbelievable. A vivid purple with the fluttering yellow souls. She was so foreign that he grabbed her and asked.
“Who are you?”