***
Before going to bed, Celine lay down on her bed and smiled gently at her father who was reading a book to her.
“I love it when you read to me, Daddy.”
“You’re all grown up, but you’re still acting like a baby.”
As he closed the book, the Admiral looked down at his daughter with kind eyes and gave her a kiss on the forehead.
“Good night, My princess.”
The Admiral was about to leave the room when he suddenly stopped at Celine’s slender hand tugging on his sleeve.
“Father.”
“Hmm?You can’t sleep?”
“I’m nineteen now, and I’m an adult.”
“Are you upset that you’re an adult?”
At his soothing tone, Celine tilted her head and looked at him with moist eyes.
“Father, I don’t want you to have to do all the hard work alone.”
“What do you mean?”
“Tell me the truth. Is Diana your real daughter?”
At the sudden question, the Admiral’s gentle face hardened and seemed to crack. However, he replied without difficulty.
“That’s right.”
“I am on your side, father. You’re the only person in the world who loves me and I can rely on. So please tell me honestly.”
“I know. I can do anything for you, and you are my only pride and precious person.”
“Are you sure that Diana is your real daughter?”
“Yes.”
Celine felt confused by the Admiral’s firm answer.
“Genetically, dark hair from blonde parents is not possible. And even if there is, it’s rare…….”
Celine’s forehead furrowed in worry, her eyes downcast. She closed her mouth, and with bated breath she continued to speak again.
“If she’s your biological daughter, there’s no reason to hate her so much that you tried to kill her.”
“She is my daughter, but I don’t think so. I’ve always told you. She’s the reason why your mother died.”
“I believed it when I was a child, but that’s strange. Please tell me the truth, for whatever reason that may be. I want to be on my father’s side and help him from now on.”
The Admiral sat on the corner of the bed and pressed his eyelids with his fingers. Looking at him as if he had forgotten his words, Celine finally burst into tears.
She just wanted to discuss the matter emphatically. She wiped away her pearl-like tears and looked at her father with wet green eyes.
“Could it be that Diana is Medea’s royalty?”
He didn’t answer. Instead he asked a completely different question.
“Do you still love the Lieutenant Colonel?”
“Yes.”
The Admiral sighed deeply when he saw the look of sadness on Celine’s face.
“Once you have power, the Lieutenant Colonel, the second son of the Duke, will accept your heart. As long as he’s not the eldest son, he must have ambitions.”
“Power?”
Celine tilted her head, her shimmering platinum hair shook.
“Father will take care of everything, so don’t you worry. Someday, they will treat you like a real princess so you won’t be envious of her.”
It must be done before the mad duke of Progen (Noah) swallowed the Kingdom of Medea. The Admiral had made a firm vow before.
(The Admiral) He will definitely take away the Queen’s precious things. He recalled the young girl in the distant past.
She was a Princess at the time, and the young Admiral was willing to risk death and unethical acts for the sake of his Queen. He tried to give her everything, even destroying himself. He believed it was his love, but what came back was nothing but betrayal.
In fact, this was the man’s subjective and narrow-minded adherence to his position.
To put it plausibly, he loved her for fulfilling his lack.
In a practical sense, he craved and loved her for her power and wealth.
It had the same meaning, but expressed differently depending on acceptance. The young Queen accepted it in a plausible sense, and when she learned the reality, she finally grew up and became the Queen of a country.
***
The lights from the street lamps that lined the path of the garden broke through the darkness, partly illuminating the white camellia blossoms, partly the clean, gravel path, partly the bench where we sat.
Noah denied with an expressionless face when I asked if he loved me. He looked carefully at my face, then quickly turned away to look at the front.
I did not take my eyes off his profile.
“I don’t know the feeling, because the people who taught me left early and I never learned it anywhere else.” (Noah)
His voice sank as sad as a sigh. The feeling of something that has been frozen in my heart melting down.
I felt a twinge of heat in my stomach. It wasn’t a feeling of anger or sadness or disappointment. It was because I realized once again that he, like me, had not been adequately protected and loved.
It was a feeling of understanding that could only be achieved when I took a step back and looked at it from his point of view. The truth was, I didn’t really understand the emotion of love either.
It was a complex and ambiguous emotion that could not be precisely defined, unlike the more obvious emotions of sadness, anger, and joy. It was a cloud that could be seen by our actions and attitudes.
It manifests itself in different ways because different people want different things and think differently, and it can be warped, and even wrongly labeled with the word ‘love’.
It can be spoken depending on one’s mood, it can be carelessly overused for profit and purpose, it can be taken lightly, it can be sacrificed to the point of death, and it can feel most sublime and heavy.
“Do you love me?” (Noah)
In response to his faint question, the light chasing the darkness seemed to sway faintly. Noah’s hair, reflecting the light of the streetlight, turned to face me clearly, swaying.
When I couldn’t answer, he smiled kindly. The shadows on his face seemed to be clearer the more I looked at him.
He asked again.
“What was the love the princess said that day? I know it was a lie.”
I lowered my eyes as if to flee and placed my gaze on the landscaping floor. It was just a lie I had said in pursuit of my easy life and a reprieve from life.
“You needed me in my life, eh? No. …….”
In other words, it was a plausible word. I felt like this was going to be packaged as an excuse, so I quickly added and confessed the truth as it was.
“It wasn’t the kind of love most people say. It was just a lie to survive comfortably. I’m sorry.” (Diana)
Instead of getting angry at my confession, Noah smiled at me. A faint sense of satisfaction hung over his crooked lips.
“You mean you needed me, right?” (Noah)
“If you know that, why are you asking me again…?” (Diana)
“I wondered if you needed me enough to lie about loving me.”
I stared at Noah, who always had to ask what he wanted to hear.
“Anyway, it’s hard for me to define love, too.” (Diana)
“Yeah. It was a long time ago, when I was in the army, and I was about to be promoted.” (Noah)
Noah started to tell me a story as he leaned back on the bench leisurely. I listened to him as I put my elbows on my knees to support my chin.
“I heard that one of the men had fallen in love. So I observed what he would do with the woman. He gave her gifts and flowers and even met her and went on a date with her. After he went to the Delta front, they kept exchanging letters, saying they loved each other.”
“Yes.”
“One day, as he was reading the letter in the barracks, the man’s face went blank and he began to cry. He looked like he was going to faint. It was a mixture of sadness, anger, and loss.”
Noah’s expression became strangely uncomfortable as he pieced the words together.
“The letter said that the woman had married another man.”
“That’s common.”
“Yes, it is common. Some men were deployed to another country with their lovers, but met other women, and said ‘love’ to each other. I’ve come to think of ‘love’ as no more meaningful than the lamppost you see over there.”
It was not uncommon for young love to flare up and cool down quickly. It can sway from place to place like a reed carrying the wind. So it was love that could bring the greatest memories of unhappiness and leave scars that last a lifetime.
Perhaps that was the root of the anxiety Noah was feeling. It was the same for me.
He took both my hands in his.
“My mind is not like that, no. I don’t know what it is, but my parents were different, too. I just wanted to know what it was.”
“The people you saw must not have been in true love. You and I don’t know much about it, so I hope we’ll get to know it. I’m sure we’ll realize it one day. If I figure it out first, I’ll let you know.”
Is he looking for the treasure at the end of the rainbow? It seemed like the same childish and ridiculous great adventure. It was important for us who have lived with lack.
I had to grow up fast, and lived without even such childish thoughts. I’m sure he was like that, too, because he lacked emotions. Only after becoming a grown-up do we regress and wander in search of pure feelings like children.
We were hastily made, unfinished adults. Noah squeezed my cheek with a serious look on his face.
“But I like you so much that I’m out of my mind more than I love you.” (Noah)
What was that all about? It was true that he was insane because he threw everything away. But he still had money to spend.
He was in a state of intense confession with my cheeks gripped and my lips pouting like a duck’s. When I made a sad face, he looked at me in a ridiculous way, but he smiled as if it were fun then withdrew his hands.
I stated my thoughts.
“Isn’t dating is to confirm love?”
“Is that so? But I don’t know, I’ll have to find it until I get married and grow old.”
Then there was a hint of amusement in his voice. For once, I decided not to see it as a problem that neither of us knew what love was. A man who saw everything with a one-size-fits-all view considered me special.
Noah, at least, was much more serious than most of the men I had met. The object of their love was ambiguous. Was it me?
The love they were talking about was sudden. It was strange that they suddenly loved me, and I didn’t believe them.
“I guess it’s not so bad now anyway. Thank you for being honest with me.”
Noah said with a smile in his eyes. He fixed his tie and got up from his seat, holding out his hand towards me.
“Let’s go back.”
I lifted Noah’s crumpled coat under my buttocks and looked at it, and made an awkward face.
Before entering the dance hall and greeting the Queen, my eyes were drawn to the plump pudding on the dessert table.
“Can I just have one of those and go?” (Diana)
When I pulled his sleeves weakly, Noah nodded and was led to where I was heading.
“Isn’t it pretty?” (Diana)
I couldn’t help but blush as I showed him the ruby-colored, moist, fresh strawberry pudding. It was because I had always liked pudding.
“Yes. It’s red and pretty.” (Noah)
He skimmed over the pudding in my hand with disinterested eyes, but responded with a certain amount of enthusiasm.
“Do you like it more than meat?” (Noah)
“It’s different from meat. This is dessert.” (Diana)
“Diana.”
“Huh?”
Noah, who was carefully watching my happy expression as I tasted the strawberry pudding with a small spoon, smiled loosely.
“Why do you have the same expression when you’re eating something delicious and when you kiss me?” (Noah)
I swallowed the piece of pudding that I had hastily scooped up. If it had been something different, it would have gotten stuck in my throat. I grabbed my neck for a while and coughed.
“What was so delicious?”
He asked again, whispering with a drowsy look in his eyes. What should I do with this mischievous man?
“Because it’s sweet…. no, I’m talking about the pudding.” (Diana)
I tried to change the subject, but he was already enjoying my reaction. He covered his mouth with one hand and giggled, his eyes narrowed and bent.
“So cute.”
He looked at me with a happy face.
“Do you like pudding or me?” (Noah)
“You buy me the pudding.” (Diana)
“Then I’ll be a perfect man. From now on, only eat what I buy for you.” (Noah)
A hint of disappointment seeped into Noah’s eyes as he went for the innocent pudding.
‘He’s cute.’
Seeing the man jealous of the pudding, I thought it was very cute. Unlike my promise to eat only one, I ate 3 cups of pudding, then approached the Queen and told her we were leaving.
What the smiling Queen told me was unexpected.
“Diana, why don’t you stay at Tempshire Palace for a while?”
Noah’s face stiffened slightly at her words. I could feel the strength in his hand that held mine. Does the Queen like me? Is this how a love triangle begins?
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I looked at Noah and the queen with a sideways glance, adjusting my expression.
That was how my misunderstanding towards the Queen began.