Chapter 65: What They Had Lost
“…”
Ailea quivered as tears began to fall. She should not feel this way. She was okay a while ago. She was fine. Why now? Why was it coming back? Why is a looming pain of emptiness suddenly stabbing her heart? Her partner was not Lawrence, it was Clint. Yet… the thoughts just would not go away. As the memories began to erode her mind, she pushed away the man in front of him with trembling hands. Her shoulders shook, quivering. She was terrified.
Clint hurriedly held her in his arms. He could feel every detail of her skin tremble like a newborn chick.
“Ailea, it’s okay. You’re okay. We’ll do it another time when you’re ready.” Clint was surprised to see her trembling regardless of the situation. He was at a loss at what to do and began apologizing as he comforted her. “Don’t cry, okay? I’m sorry, really. I must have startled you…”
As he soothed her, Ailea’s slender hand clasped his collar tightly. She could not speak, she was tearing up, but she wanted him to know that it was not something to apologize for through her gestures. The fear that Clint would look at her with the same sickening expression was greater than her hatred toward Lawrence, but she knew that Clint was not that sort of person. He was not Lawrence and she was grateful for that.
It had taken a long time before the tears ceased. Clint stayed by her side through it all as he waited patiently.
Ailea mustered the courage and made eye contact with Clint. She wanted to let him know that it was not his fault.
“It isn’t your fault…” she managed to speak up.
Clint lied on the bed with one hand supporting his head and the other rubbing her back. He proceeded to wipe away her tears and said, “You know I’m not the type of guy that would force myself on you. Just say no. Why are you crying so much? I’m very confused.”
“I’m sorry…”
“You don’t need to apologize. It’s my fault, actually. I wasn’t thinking straight. I must have forgotten that you don’t think of me like that. It’s okay, I won’t do anything to you until you ask me.”
“It-it’s not because I-I don’t like you!”
“…Then what is it?” Clint asked.
Ailea looked away and muttered softly, “If I say it… don’t hate me, please…”
“Did you commit some heinous crime?”
“No, that’s not it…”
“Then I’ll be fine. You can tell me.”
Ailea carefully opened her mouth and began uttering words that she had not told anyone else. “When I lived in the Outer Castle alone, Lawrence came to me… three times.” Her voice began to croak, trembling more each time.“When… when he first arrived, he dragged me from the garden to the bedroom.”
“…Then?”
“…”
“After he had done as he pleased with my naked body…”
“…”
“He… he couldn’t hold me nor touch me any more than that because I’m a hideous and disgusting woman…” Ailea clasped the blanket tightly. Teardrops fell. “The next time he visited, he did it again. The third time as well…”
“…”
“I’m sorry… it’s a painful memory for me. I thought I was okay…”
“…”
“I thought I’d be ready, but… it’s still difficult for me. I’m sorry…”
Clint did not say a word. He was silent. It caused Ailea to grow worried. She wished to tell him that it was not his fault that she acted out this way, that was why she mustered the courage to tell her story. But still, his silence made her anxious.
“Please say something…” she said.
“Lawrence.”
Ailea raised her head and looked up at him. She could feel the anger and vigor in his voice. His eyes were like that of a fearsome beast.
“What did that b*stard do to you?” he asked, furious. His eyes were dyed red that he had no choice but to close them and calm himself. He was trying to think rationally, but he could not. In a sharp-like voice, he asked, “Should I kill that b*stard?”
“Clint…”
“I’ve killed countless people on the battlefield. It’s no difference to me if I kill one or two more.”
“…”
He held her attentively, soft and gentle despite seething with anger. His eyes were like that of a man who was willing to murder, but his touch was that of a loving man. He wished that there was something that he could do for her. She looked so fragile right now, so he hugged her and held her tight.
What his wife told her… something snapped from within. The despicable horrors Ailea went through reminded him of the things he had lost: his father, brothers, friends, servants, and even the innocence of his youth as he followed the older knights into war, but even that was short-lived. His mentors and the friends he made in the battlefield died, leaving him alone in this cruel world.