Ronnie had approached Kit with thoughts of marriage even before Edwin’s death. He was a good man, kind and thoughtful, who married an ordinary Kit. She hadn’t wanted to marry anyone but an opportunity to leave the Marquis’ mansion held a certain attraction to it. She also expected this marriage to help her move on from Edwin. But nothing had worked. She couldn’t stop thinking about Edwin. Marriage did nothing to improve her self-esteem. Ronnie didn’t love her. Neither did she love him.
Ronnie had a gentle smile. But it was more out of habit than affection. Kit knew why he had approached her for marriage, despite her being plain and unskilled at anything. He had coveted a connection with the Marquis family. He was the son of a Baron, an orphan, and poor. With his marriage to Kit, he would receive sponsorship and support from the family of the Marquis.
Kit hadn’t cared. He was always kind to her, his tenderness sometimes helped her forget about Edwin. She thought that was enough for her. Who needs love when somebody starving for warmth receives a little kindness? She didn’t mind spending the rest of her life with Ronnie in this mutual understanding.
That was until she saw the letter in his study. She hadn’t sneaked in or trifled with his documents. Kit would never do that. It was laid out on the table, as though someone had intended for her to read it:
‘I love you. I miss you, terribly.’
The words that Ronnie never said to her. Kit played with the thought, momentarily, that the letter could be for her. But she knew better. It was just a playful fancy she indulged in. There was a name at the end of the letter. Rosaline.
She paled. She knew that name as well as her own. The person with that name had hated her all her life. It was her sister. This was the only revelation she needed to notice subtle changes in Ronnie’s behavior towards her. Most times, he would be indifferent but sometimes, if she looked sad, he would make small conversations.
His strange behavior made sense. Kit began to observe Ronnie and Rosaline more, whenever they all met. His warm and gentle gaze was always for Rosaline, and she could see this reflected back in Rosaline’s eyes. How could she have ever missed it? Kit realized that she was stuck in the middle, like a thorn, between these two lovers.
No matter how many times she tried to ignore it, Kit imagined them together. Ronnie and Rosaline. Perhaps they were kissing or more. Perhaps they lay in bed and Ronnie would look down at Rosaline tenderly. A tenderness Kit had never received.
Kit was hollow. The only thing she felt was a pain in her heart and a helplessness. She didn’t feel particularly angry at any of them. She couldn’t ask Ronnie to admit his affair. They had never been in love. So, what right did she have to exert her feelings over him?
Kit wanted to feel angry or betrayed, but all she felt was emptiness and pain. Whenever Ronnie called, she would respond like nothing had happened. She wondered why she didn’t feel any anger. Is it because I still need him?
Ronnie, who treated her occasionally with indifference, warmed up to her. This confused and creeped Kit out. Kit thought it would be nice if he just declared his love for Rosaline, then she could just be free of this charade.
However, he never did. He became more considerate and kinder towards Kit. She found this very disturbing because she couldn’t understand what was going on in his mind. The more he did this, the more disturbed she felt. And Edwin came to her mind unbidden. Her only sanctuary. His memory, that she tried running away from, proved to be her comfort in this time of distress. Her first love, Edwin, who died in vain.
She lay in her bed, depressed. And Edwin came to mind once more. Edwin Arthur Windsor.
She closed her eyes and tried to recall his face. The library window, the sunset, his silvery hair blazing in the light. It was an old memory, but it felt like yesterday. In her imagination though, her eyes met Edwin’s for a split second. It felt vivid to her. However, his cold, solemn demeanor had changed. His eyes seemed desperate.
“Save me,” he whispered.
Kit opened her eyes. Kit was unsure whether this was a sign from him or if her imagination had just run off. Kit lay in her bed, curled up, for a long time. She didn’t know how much time had passed. Time seemed to fly when she thought of Edwin.
Is Ronnie back from the shop? Kit wondered. Or did he go to meet Rosaline instead? She closed her eyes and willed herself to forget about them.