< To Survive and to Live (Part 4) >
It was ironic that neither Zin nor Leona was able to say Lets go together. We are all in this together.
Zin knew that Leona would live a miserable life in the wilderness, and Leona knew that she would be a selfish person to tag along with Zin because she was not of much help to him.
Zin and Ramphil were planning to leave the Harbin fortress as soon as the armored vehicle was ready tomorrow.
Leonas original goal was to seek a place where she could settle down, and the fortress was the perfect location.
——
Leona and Sara were sitting on a bench together. Other kids were still asking the executor different questions. It was funny to see Ramphil become so distressed, but Leona couldnt laugh.
Leona, you are going to stay with us, right, right? Sara smiled and asked. Sara was such a nice, polite and friendly girl. If she didnt approach Leona first, Leona would have stayed at the room idly. Sara helped Leona enjoy her time at the fortress.
Sara looked certain that Leona was going to stay at the fortress.
The monsters could not possibly harm Leona, so Leona could live at the fortress if she hid her true identity.
Although Leona enjoyed life at the fortress, when she looked Sara who seemed so happy, Leona felt uneasy and out of place.
The kids at the fortress never had to worry about their safety, and they were content that they were living happily at the fortress. They thought that Leona was an interesting friend because she lived through tough environments.
Leona felt strange when she looked at the kids who had no hostility toward her. She felt inferior and superior at the same time.
Leona felt superior because she gone through many more tough moments than these kids had.
But she felt inferior because the kids were pure and innocent and they did not have to worry about survival.
Leona had killed many people in order to survive. She was impure and felt uneasy looking at such innocent kids.
Leona realized that she would not be able to assimilate with the kids after looking at Sara.
Sara lived in a world where she could gain what she wanted. On the other hand, Leona did not have access to many things, and she had to fight for her life every day.
They are good kids. They are good people, Leona thought and was truly happy.
However, she did not want to be with them. She wondered if they would treat her the same way once they found out her bad nature.
Leona had witnessed too much of the sinful nature of human beings. Not just Reavers, she had seen many people who killed other people without remorse just to steal some cash.
Leona suspected that the people in the fortress were bad in nature as well. She thought that they were simply hiding behind a mask that covered their true identity.
As Leona struggled, she could not easily answer Sara.
—–
That night, most of the lights in the fortress were turned off. Life in the underground was different than the wilderness. The main lights were turned on and off to control the day and the night. Walking outside a home during night time was prohibited, and everyone had to go to sleep. Ramphil, Zin, and Leona were inside the room.
Ramphil went to bed earlier, and Leona was also lying down on her bed.
Leona would be able to have her own home and room if she stayed in the fortress.Not many people would reject this opportunity.
Leona knew that Zin did not need her help. She knew that it would take at least another five to ten years of training to become a hunter that could be of help to him.
The fortress had all the things that Leona was looking for as a home.
But Leona was not able to go to sleep. Zin was going to leave tomorrow. Leona felt troubled.
Creaaaak
Leona walked out to the living room to drink a glass of water, as she couldnt fall asleep.
And she saw Zin, who was sitting on the sofa and looking at her.
Oh I couldnt go to sleep
Zin nodded. Leona sat down on the sofa across from Zin. As she sat down, Leona thought that the fortress was not a bad place to live. Maybe it was okay to finally settle down
Just as she was thinking, Zin started to talk. Youll remember that I have lived a long life.
Yes.
Zin looked at Leona and started to talk slowly. Ive met many different people.
He helped others, and fought along with others. He received help from others, and he became an important person to others. Zin didnt explain the people he met in detail, but Leona could understand Zins feelings.
Memories flashed in front of Leonas eyes.
Mr. Hunter! Thank you!
A kid held his mothers hand and waved at Zin.
Fast-forward – in the middle of the ruins, Zin was looking at the corpses of the kid and the mom who were savagely killed by monsters.
Zin always saved others.
He saved and protected people from monsters and humans. However, the people who he protected appeared again as goners in front of him. Or Zin was not able to meet them again, as they were killed.
Humans always died.
Zin was painfully aware of this truth.
Hunter! Please rescue us!
People were screaming for help in the middle of the monsters.
Hunter!
Little children who were fleeing away from the junkwagons were killed by the Reavers.
I dont want to die.
Someone had his lower body torn apart and died in agony.
Please, at least save my child please.
And there were people who were begging Zin to save their newborn babies.
Zin protected all of them at one point. Zin witnessed their deaths or did not get to see them again. Many villages that he rescued became piles of ruins later on, and Reavers feasted on the villagers that he once helped out.
He even saw people whom he saved become Reavers.
Why did people cling to chips?
It was not just because they prolonged the lives of people,
Leona was finally able to realize.
In the eyes of Leona, Zin was a perfect hunter but he was an imperfect human being.
He faced many failures in relationships and friendships. He was not able to protect anybody, and he did not get to see anyone live happily ever after. And he even had to kill his loved ones with his own hands.
The world was a cruel place for Zin who couldnt gain any happiness. Zin was not able to stop the sadness at the places that he left.
Zin only succeeded in surviving. Zin became numb to the failures.
He chose to remain as a hunter, as hunting was the only thing that he could do. Zin gave up living as a human being in the cruel world.
He wanted to remain a hunter.
And Zin only cared about getting more chips. He thought that it was less painful to pursue chips. If he didnt love anybody, and if he didnt care about other people, he would not get hurt by the loss of other people.
Killing a couple of devils will not change anything, a blonde man murmured as he looked at the dead body of a woman shredded by a monster. Next to her was a crushed monsters corpse.
I will quit being a devil hunter.
The image of the man faded, and a new image appeared.
You are going to miss me.
In the dark hall of a castle, a wounded and bloody woman was talking while kneeling down.
I dont believe that a person should accept her identity as she is.
A glimpse of a smiling woman riding on a junkwagon faded away.
In a brief moment, Leona glanced at the hundreds of memories passing by. She was not able to understand everything, but she felt a deep sadness.
It felt more like despair than sadness. Zin didnt know what Leona was looking at as he watched her.
Leona wondered what Zin had become after he numbed his feelings for so many years.
Leona couldnt fully grasp all his emotions, but she felt emotional just by glancing at all the memories. She wondered how a person could possibly live through that pain.
How could a person stay alive after going through all these events?
How could one even live even after experiencing all those painful events?
Could he continue his path with someone else along?
Zin was fully aware that all relationships led to destruction and despair. At the moment, Zin was walking with Leona, even though it was brief.
Leona was able to understand why Zin was keeping some distance with her, why his face hardened when they were getting friendlier, and why he wanted to drop her off at a safe location.
And she was not able to ask Zin to go together on the journey. Zin looked at Leona and said, I came across too many deaths of too many people.
A hunter had to go to places where there was tragedy, and this was Zins fate. Zin was smiling but it was a bit unusual. His smile seemed to be mixed with despair.
Leona.
Yes
Back in Hewl-Jin, you said that I was a coward.
You are a coward, mister!
Back then, Leona yelled at Zin as he was leaving her. Leona wanted to bite her tongue as she brought up the past conversation.
And Zin nodded. Yes, Im a coward. I am afraid of many things.
He was not afraid of monsters or Reavers, but he was afraid of people. He was afraid of people who got close to him.
Zin was more afraid of Leona than the White Witch who was lurking around.
Zin was afraid of Leona.
I had failed too many times, and I made too many mistakes. I do not want to face any more failures. Zin sounded very gentle, yet sad.
Zin was telling Leona that all people would die, and that Leona was not an exception and she would die at some point. He didnt want to see Leona dying in front of him.
Zin spoke in such a way because he realized that it was impossible to protect the people dearest to him. He was afraid that Leona would die in front of him. And therefore he was afraid of Leona.
Leona knew that she would hurt his feelings if she asked to go together.
However, as Leona faced the deep despair of Zin, she bit her lips. She didnt only read Zins past memories. She realized that the old hunter was also afraid of being lonely, similar to how Leona was afraid. Zin lived in the middle of loneliness, but he didnt like it. He admitted his fate, and moved on.
Mister, you are lonely too.
You need me.
Zin didnt reply.
I could stay here, and I know that its going to be better for me. But Leona slowly but firmly spoke again, I am not needed in this place.
The people of the fortress could welcome Leona, but she was not needed by them.
But, I need you, mister.
And, mister, you need me too. Im certain of it. So, that is the reason that we are talking like this.
If they didnt need each other, there was no need for this conversation. Parting and going their own ways would be enough.
However, Zin was stating the reason that he had to leave Leona behind, and Leona worried about Zin and could not ask to follow him.
They both needed each other, but they were only saying the reasons that they had to part.
Leona had to make a decision. She could live a comfortable life where nobody would need her help, or she could live a dangerous life where she would live together with someone who would need her help. People would make different choices, but Leona had made up her mind. Her will was getting stronger as she came across Zins past memories.
Once you said that its worth more thinking about how to live ones life than simply surviving each day.
I sure did.
Zin wanted Leona to live a comfortable life at the fortress by pursuing other goals in life.
Food and weapons were needed for survival.
However, Leona pondered what else would be needed to continue to live. Leona looked at Zin and spoke truthfully without any lies or pretense, I do not want to stay here to survive. I want to be next to you in order to live my life.
Zin was not able to respond to what Leona said. Leona simply wanted to follow the lonely old hunter. As Leona learned why the hunter was trying to push her away, she couldnt leave him. Leona believed that Leona and Zin could be a bigger help to one another.
Zin closed his eyes in front of the foolish yet wise kid. After a long pause, he opened his eyes, and started to speak slowly.
Leona, Ive lived a life that was full of mistakes and failures. His voice was trembling. So
Zin continued to talk as if this was his destiny, I think itll be okay if I make another mistake along this journey.
Zin knew that he might fail again, but nevertheless, he made a decision that would put him in misery.
He didnt care if he got another scar on top of all the scars he received in the past. He spoke as if a scar was not a big deal.
Leona knew Zin had made a tough decision. She knew that Zin had faced many failures, and he chose a relationship that he knew would fail and cause him pain. Leona knew how tough it was for Zin to make that decision.
Drop
Tears started to fall down from Leonas eyes. She tried to wipe away her tears, but they continued to come out. Leona covered her tears quietly without making much noise.
Arg Leona knew that crying would not help in solving any problem.
Even though she knew the fact, there were times when one could do nothing but cry.